Today I awoke to that tingling pain that I still get every few weeks. I looked down at the still bright red scar on my lower stomach and felt myself inwardly cringe. Would I forever get these periods of pain? When will the numbness completely go away? When will I be able to stop questioning what I did wrong even though I know I did nothing wrong? These thoughts and more quickly rolled through my mind as I got myself ready for work. I couldn't help but smile as walked in and out of the bedroom, looking at my husband and child fast asleep in bed together. I quietly snapped a few photographs, hoping neither of them would wake up. As soon as I put the camera down Eirik awoke with his usual happy morning smile which instantly melted my heart and made me push the thoughts from just moments before to the back of my mind. But as I kissed Eirik and my husband goodbye and sat in my car the thoughts pushed themselves to the front of my mind again. The one thing I thought over and over was "when will I be normal again?"
Physically I am my normal self... I have the same energy level as I did before. I can move and bend and do everything I could before and aside from the occasional burning twinges it is easy to forget. But then I look down and see that bright red scar and it comes back and the guilt comes back with it. Even though I know I did nothing wrong I still question myself... and the worst part of all is that nagging fear of doing it again. I want to be pregnant again and have more children... the thought of being pregnant and having another baby is one that excites me. The thought of going into labor again and the physical act of birth scares the living daylights out of me.
I tell myself that I have Eirik and that is what matters... he is healthy and happy. Eirik is a truly wonderful baby. He is mellow and relaxed and happy... he smiles all the time and even when he cries its not that full out scream that other babies do. I honestly couldn't ask for a happier child. I tell myself that next time will be different... that I know more now then I did before... that every pregnancy and birth is different. But telling myself these things doesn't seem to help alleviate the mental duress that I experience when I think about everything that happened.
I've discovered, that like infertility, this negative birth experience brings about comments that are supposed to help but simply hurt. I get told "but you have a healthy baby, that's what matters!" or "next time you can try for a natural birth again". While these comments are meant to be helpful all they do is make me feel more frustrated and then I begin to question my own feelings. Is it wrong for me to feel angry and upset over how my birth went? Shouldn't I just be happy that I have a healthy child?
Every day my scar gets a little lighter and I know that soon it will fade and become almost invisible but the emotional scars still linger. Sometimes its the scars we can't see that take the longest to heal.
It's so not wrong for you to be upset over your negative birth experience and even if Eirik is the greatest thing that ever happened to you, it does not erase it, unfortunately. I feel very similarly about how hard my 2 weeks post partum were -- they definitely cloud my considerations if I wanted to go for another child. It was part of your birth experience for good or bad and it would be naive to pretend it didn't happen. But now you have the knowledge and will be armed going into the next child's birth so I'm very confident you'd do everything you could to avoid a repeat.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lara, it's not wrong for you to be angry, upset, or any other emotion that comes up when you think of your birth experience. Hopefully with time it will become less painful, like the scar hopefully that emotion will fade. You're right, every birth is different...so I guess all you can do is hope that next time it goes like you want it to {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteYour timing on this was perfect. Before I read this lastnight, I had tried to express some of my worries to Bill and it backfired at me. I'm not scared of labor, I'm scared of all that can go wrong. He didn't understand and instead of saying "It will be ok" (which, no matter what I know it will) he got angry with me b/c he didn't understand that my fear is not the pain, or the laboring but the unknown... since you can't turn back time, or change anything, just keep doing what you are doing and let all your feelings out. It helps me to know I'm not alone in my feelings/worries :-) *hugs*
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