Since this is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want I am going to take a step away from my normal routine of Eirik updates today. No thoughts on being a new mom or adorable pictures. Today I want to focus on a serious topic and one that is very near and dear to my heart.
The media recently has picked up quite a few stories about bullying... and most of these stories sadly end in tragedy. Young lives lost because of taunts and tormenting by fellow classmates and peers. These teens are now being put behind bars and charged with crimes that at best will leave them with a criminal record and at worst will send them to jail for an amount of time. The line seems to be drawn in the sand... many say "good! Those people need to be taught a lesson" while others go "They are kids! They were headed to ivy league colleges!". There is no middle ground in this debate, like many others. Of course the media is calling this an epidemic (The media LOVES this word) and that this new cyber bullying is making things worse for kids today.
I would like for a moment to tell you the story of a girl... a shy, quite girl who was socially awkward. She preferred to sit and read her book rather then talk. She wasn't thin and pretty like the other girls... she didn't wear the most popular clothing instead opting for jeans and tee shirts to hide her figure. No matter what she did it seemed nothing could help the zits that kept appearing on her face. Makeup? what was makeup? She never worse makeup. No... she was plain and ordinary and quiet. She grew up and lived in the same area and went to elementary, middle, and high school with the same group of kids. It started in elementary school when kids reached that age where clicks begin to form and someone becomes the cool group and another becomes the dorks and losers. Middle and High school weren't much better. New friends were impossible to make and her days were spent trying to keep out of the way. She tried to hide away. In high school she sat by herself at lunch every day, reading her book, counting down the minutes until she could head home again.
It wasn't just girls mean comments and looks... it was boys. Boys who chased her home with rocks and taunted her with names... boys who physically punched her by her locker at times just to see if she would cry. She never did... she never let them see her cry. But cry she did... she cried and cried and cried. Girls were never mean directly to her, they had other methods of making her feel bad about herself. What made matters worse was the schools were aware of issues with certain girls... and they did nothing. They had documented instances of rocks being thrown, words being said, hair being pulled... from elementary to middle school this was documented and nothing was done. The papers were filed away never to be seen again. And these people who tormented her so were not all "punks" who were cool. No... it was the popular kids who took honors classes and had aspirations of a bright future.
The only thing that kept this girl going were friends who were all over the country. Yes, the internet became her one place that she could be herself and could become friends with people who wouldn't judge her because she didn't wear the right clothes or say the right things. These friends talked to her late into the night. She never let them know about how hard it was for her in school for when she talked to these people she could leave those worries behind her and pretend they didn't exist. Most of them probably never realized just how important they were to her. On some days they were the only thing that kept her going.
Yes... that was me.
As an adult some of those people from my high school days have actually tried to befriend me on facebook. If I've run in to people in the stores they have been friendly and very mature to me. To say they were just being teenagers sounds cliche... but its true. These people have matured into adults who now hopefully look back on the way they tormented people in high school and feel embarrassed. I can't get inside their heads and say this is how they feel... but I would hope that they would. I would never wish that these people would have criminal records today because of what they did to me. Did it hurt like hell? Yes... and it still does. The wounds of 12 years of being bullied and tormented and picked on does not disappear. But they were young and foolish then... and don't we all act stupid when we are young?
There have always been bullies and there always will be. Making a tough stand against them doesn't do anything if no one is aware of what is happening... and I can tell you now I told no one about the events that went on. I did not run to the principal after being punched by my locker or cry to my parents when I was chased home with rocks. No... I suffered in silence because I was to embarrassed of what may happen and to afraid of how much worse those bullies would become. I don't think that bullies today are any worse then they were when I was a teenager in middle and high school... they just have new methods for unleashing their torment. Yes, it does bring up new issues... but I don't feel that bullying is anymore an epidemic today then it was when I was in school. I think the difference is that today it is more visible thanks to facebook, twitter, and youtube. All of this technology makes it harder for bullies to hide... now when they torment someone the world can see.
As for what an appropriate punishment should be for bullies I am at a loss. But charging them with criminal charges is not it. After all, they are still kids.
Emma, I'm so sorry you went through that kind of torment. It breaks my heart to know what a kind, loving person you are and that none of those stupid kids could see it and no one stood up for you. I think you're too kind in forgiving some of those tormenters saying that we all acted stupid when we were young. Did I ever do stupid things? Sure. But I knew the difference between right and wrong and would never have ganged up on someone, especially with physical violence. You're a better person than me if you can allow those kids excuses - I'm not saying I'd still be holding a grudge if I ran into them, but I don't think I would forgive their earlier behavior so easily. But again, that shows what a good and kind person you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad that you were able to turn to your friends on the internet (like we did with IF!) for comfort and support. I thank Heaven that the web exists to allow small communities of folks like us to find each other.
Emma, I read your blog, but never comment. I am on your baby play group as well. (Joey's Momma) but I had to tell you how much this posting meant to me. My DD 13, 8th grade, has one friend in school, ONE. She sits with her at lunch, and has just enough friendship to get by the day. Yesterday that friend announced she is moving. My DD is devastated. I know she'll be alone in the halls, and alone at lunch. Shes been picked on and we even just pressed charges on 3 boys sexually harrassing her on the bus. We deciding on homeschooling her I do believe. It breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to read this but know that you weren't alone. I went through very similar things growing up. I wasn't skinny, wasn't popular, and was picked on mostly by guys who thought they were so cool. I also have had some of those people try to friend me on facebook and just think its crazy. Thankfully I too had a few people I knew in real life, ones I "met" online that helped me through that time,and now has helped me through IF and adopting my little guy. I haven't commented b4 but just wanted to say Im glad we are both at this point in our life! :)
ReplyDeleteSorry you went through this Emma! I also didn't run with the popular group, HATED middle and high school and was very self consious. It was 5th grade when the taunts started and high school before I created a group of friends outside of school that I could count on. The internet wasn't around yet so I didn't have that outlet unfortuntaly.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I don't forgive so easily and admire your ability to do so. While I don't dislike the people who did this to me I'm not particularly nice to them when I run into them. I think it shows character flaws in people...even if they are just young, dumb kids. My sister was one of those that made fun of others...and she's still a total b****.
I can totally understand where you're coming from of not wanting the normal bullying to be criminalized...but I do think if bullies take it over the edge they do need consequences. And I feel a huge responsibility to make sure my daughter is kind and never participates in this behavior. I hope I will never make excuses for her if she does it.
~HUUUUUUUUUGS~ I always wished we could have gone to the same high school and that the stupid county lines didn't have us splitting after middle school =o( ~HUGS!~
ReplyDeleteAs for the punishment for bullies - I am not entirely sure. Except that I think it needs to involve the parents. You don't raise your kids to be polite and such, then you need to have YOUR life sucked away dealing with the consequences.
I'm delurking to say that this post really hit home for me. I was a very socially awkward kid and I clearly remember my classmates forming tight-knit cliques in the 5th grade, none of which included me. From that point on, I felt left out and so very alone. No one ever physically tormented me, but the verbal attacks were too much for me to take at times. I had no friends, always ate lunch alone and yearned to be an accepted part of the crowd. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to end my life most days.
ReplyDeleteEven though I'm all grown up now, I still feel the sting from those days. It still affects me every day of my life and I will always be angry and resentful because of that. I lack confidence altogether and I still hurt to the core all because of how I was treated 12+ years ago. The meanness of my peers will never be forgotten and I pray that my daughters will never experience that emotional pain. More importantly, I hope they will be accepting of others when they get older.