My new Thursday night routine is watching Ugly Betty and Mercy on Hulu. Mercy can sometimes have stories that are sad, but Ugly Betty is always pretty light hearted. Sure everything doesn't always go right, but its never really truly depressed me... until today. After a stressful day at work I was looking forward to coming home, eating leftovers, and catch up on this weeks episodes. Of course both episodes were highly emotional.
Mercy featured a very young newlywed couple. The wife was battling very agressive uterine cancer. In last weeks episode they eloped and she went into surgery with a 50% chance of dying. This week it shows she's made it out of surgery so you are optimistic, thinking that this young couple will get to spend their life together. Wrong. Thats right, she dies. I was almost bawling it was so sad. I told myself "its just a TV show" and watched Ugly Betty next. It always picks me up and makes me laugh. Always. Well, not tonight.
The entire episode was great, until the end. The current plot line is that Betty's sister got pregnant by accident and the guy is trying to step up and be a dad. The second they mentioned everyone in the family going to the ultrasound I knew what was coming next. I knew it and I prepared myself for it, but it still made me tear up. They go to the ultrasound only to discover no heartbeat. It just dredged up all these old memories I haven't thought of in so long... with the year anniversary of my miscarriage coming up and that... it just made me relive those emotions all over again. I felt myself tearing up sitting at the computer.
To distract myself I went and did my usual check before I get off the computer: Facebook, ivillage, and blogger. A women in my EC on ivillage had just posted that she found out at her 30 week appointment there was no heartbeat. My heart broke for her. I can't imagine being so far along only to find out that everything isn't okay. I can't begin to imagine how painful that must feel. It was hard enough having an early miscarraige at 6 weeks... but to loose my baby now? I'd be completely devistated...
I just feel so depressed tonight now... I wish my husband was home because I just need someone to hold me and reassure me everything is okay. I just wanted a lighthearted evening and instead I am sad and feeling like I just want to cry. Apparently my husband is psychic because he just walked through the door.
Sorry this post is so long and depressing... hopefully after a good nights sleep i'll feel better.
Ohhh...Hugs to you!!!! I hope hubby was able to help cheer you up some!
ReplyDeleteEmma, you are not alone. I had my baby in December and the worrying never stops. It just switches from one thing to another. With our experiences of TTC for so long it's impossible not to have those old feelings return when something touches us like that. I hope you got a good night's sleep and are feeling restored and more light-hearted. Just a few more weeks and your baby boy will be warmly in your arms...it's the most amazing feeling in the world!
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