Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween!!

First we have Eirik in his "its halloween" outfit.



And here he is dressed up in his costume!





The costume part only stayed on for about 5 minutes. He is having a rough day thanks to his cold/teething combo!

A Change Of Plans...

I had a fun filled fall weekend planed for today and tomorrow! Today my husband and I were going to get up early so we could go pick apples and get a pumpkin then today I was also going to carve said pumpkin. Tomorrow I was planning on taking Eirik to a trick or treating at a church with my friend. I was so excited for Eirik to have his first halloween! Sure, he isn't really going to apprechiate the pumpkin or the trick or treating this year... but still!

Then yesterday Eirik woke up with a runny nose which by bedtime had progressed to full out snuffles and a baby who couldn't breath... which meant last night the only place he would sleep was on me. And guess who woke up congested and stuffy this morning? If you guessed me you'd be right! Needless to say all plans have been canceled and instead I am trying my best to stay hydrated and keep this cold on the mild side... if you remember I had the cold from hell about a month and a half ago which TOTALLY knocked me out.

So tomorrow will be a low key first halloween for Eirik. I am going to get a pumpkin from a stand down the road and carve it... and then we'll take pictures of Eirik with said pumpkin... and if I am feeling up for it we'll possibly head to the mall... but in all likelyhood i'll be going to bed early instead!

But, as promised, a few recent pictures of the little man!



I'm cute and I know it!



Acorn Squash is YUMMY!



I'm not too sure about toast however...

7 Months!!

Holy Cow... 7 months?! I blinked and the past month went by! Honestly it seems like just yesterday I was saying how he was 6 months old. That first birthday is just getting sooner and sooner! But, i'm not going to think about that!

It seems like right now we are on the cusp of a bunch of new skills... he's just not quite there yet. Hes mastered sitting up from his stomach and currently that's his preferred method of moving around the floor. However I think we are VERY close to crawling and pulling up and cruising! He LOVES to stand and hold on to things and is trying to cruise when he does... but he's just not quite there yet. I am thankful for this however because it means I can still put him down on the floor and know he's not going to move! This phase is sadly almost over however... my future holds babygates and door locks!

The older he gets the more his little personality comes through. Its just so interesting to watch him grow in this aspect! He really is a happy little guy... he smiles and laughs and honestly is not that fussy! He goes with the flow most of the time. He's VERY inquisitive... if he hears a noise or sees something he has to find out what it is. He is also really eager to do things and gets frustrated when he wants to do something but can't yet (IE stand!). While he's a happy baby he's not super friendly at first... he's very leery of new people, especially men. There are of course exceptions to this rule... he absolutely loves my friends cousin!

As I said in an earlier post we officially have tooth number one and I think tooth number two isn't far behind. We've had major drooling going on again and I can feel it RIGHT there!

Food is going okay... its very hit or miss. He'll taste things but if its too difficult to get to his mouth he just gives up on it. I try and offer him solids at least once a day and on the weekend I usually offer it 3 times. Currently broccoli is his all time favorite food... tonight he devoured 2 large pieces! We are also making progress with sippy cups and straw cups. He does better with the straw cup but hes starting to get the idea  behind the sippy. He still loves my glass though!

Sadly this post will not contain new pictures because my husband borrowed my camera tonight ... however I promise tomorrow new pictures will come! And then Sunday we will debut his new halloween costume! I know you're all dying to see that. =)

Operation Get More Sleep!!

This week begins operation get more sleep! As I mentioned before we are going to try the no cry sleep solution. I know a lot of people are big fans of the cry it out methods (or variations of it) but it is something that I just can't do. So after reading the book and logging Eirik's sleep i've determined a few things that are going to change.

1. Consistent routine naps. He needs 3 naps a day. He actually has fallen into a routine... a 9am, a 12pm, and a 3:30pm. Of course all these times are +/- about 30 minutes. So, the plan is that we're going to make sure he goes down for naps at these times every day ... when possible.

2. Create a more calming bedtime routine. I have started to incorporate reading one book to him at night... I think i may up that to maybe 2 or 3 just to give him some "quite" time between bath and nursing.

3. Do something to separate nights from naps. My idea here is to play soothing music at night for him. We have a baby sleep cd which is on my Ipod so I'm going to start playing that softly on a loop at night... he will hopefully associate the music with night and sleep. Thats the plan......

4. Get him a lovey. I tried this already a bit with his favorite dog blanket but unfortunately it rattles and that just wakes him up makes him want to play. So I have ordered 2 identical lovey blankets for him (best advice given to me was to get two and rotate them so if one gets lost you have a backup!). Fingers crossed he takes to the blanket!

5. Work on getting him to not associate nursing with sleep. This is hard... I've noticed that a lot of times when he wakes up the only thing that will get him back to sleep is me... and it really only takes a second. I can pop him on and within a minute hes out again. The book goes into detail about how to do this but the general concept is to remove him before he's fully asleep and then put him back on when he starts to wake up too much and ultimately he'll learn to fall asleep without it.

6. Get a better sleeping arrangement. Still no clue on what we're doing with that... I'm really starting to lean towards moving his crib into our room... but every time i say thats what i'm going to do I change my mind!

So this is our initial plan of attack! Will it help at all? well, in 3 weeks or so we'll log his sleep again and see if something has changed!

We Have A Tooth!

FINALLY! That's all I can say. I knew they were close... I could feel them right along his gums and I have just been waiting and waiting for one of them to pop through! I have to admit here however I have no idea which tooth it is! Why? He REFUSES to let me in his mouth! How do I know there is a tooth you ask? Well, tonight when I was letting him drink out of my water glass I heard that noise that only a tooth on glass makes... that tap tap tap! He let me in his mouth briefly and i'm 99% sure its a bottom one... I guess when it becomes more visible i'll know for sure which tooth it is!

More Fun With Food... and other random updates!

So I have a confession to make here... while I was posting about how awesome baby led solids were I was mentally freaking out. Eirik wasn't really showing ANY interest in eating! I would put food on his plate and he'd pick it up and put it in his mouth a bit, but generally he just gave me a look like "you want me to do what?". I had read however that this was perfectly normal to start with and that it may take time for your child to start eating. It seemed like day after day I would offer him food and he'd just simply show NO interest in picking it up and trying it. That is until about 2 days ago. Yes, I put the food down on his tray and instantly he went for it and shoved it in his mouth. It was a pear... and he actually ATE some! I saw food being chewed! last night we had an amazing repeat with the broccoli. He LOVED it. He was sucking and gnawing on that piece for about 5 minutes! And tonight we did banana. First I tried cutting the banana in halves and giving it to him that way but it was just too slippery for him to hold so then i just used the peel of the banana and let him gnaw on the top... and we had more actual eating occur!! He wasn't OVERLY thrilled with banana so I gave him a piece of my broccoli which again was devoured. I think we officially have a favorite food... broccoli!



A picture of him eating his banana... note you can actually see food in his mouth!!

In other news we are going to have to lower Eirik's crib mattress this weekend because his new favorite thing to do is this...



Yes now the second I put him in his crib awake thats what he does. This afternoon I tried to put him down for a nap and I left him in his crib awake. Well, it was really quiet so I thought he had gone to sleep. No, he was standing!

So that is whats going on with my little man! Oh they grow up so quickly...

Tomorrow I am going to make my sleep plan for the next 3 weeks so i'll update on that tomorrow!

Sleep Log Night 3

Last night was a really good night of sleep for us! His day naps were a bit screwy as my husband had to take him an hour away to visit his dad so he really only got short catnaps in the car. He did get an awesome 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon however!

6:30 - bath
6:45 - 7:30, read, nursed, rocked, patted back, fell asleep
8 - 8:05 - woke up, rocked back to sleep
11:25 - 11:30 - woke, nursed back to sleep
2 - 2:05 - woke, nursed back to sleep
3:35 - 3:40 - woke, nursed back to sleep
5:45 - 6:00 -  nursed
Not sure quite when he went back to sleep as I got up and gave him to my husband... probably about 6:15.

So that means lat night was only 5 wake ups with his longest stretch being 3 1/2 hours! =) Yes, thats a GREAT night for us.

Now we get to the fun part of trying to change things to help him sleep better... Fingers crossed we find something that works fairly quickly!

A relaxing afternoon

Today I got to spend the afternoon with my little man. This morning my friend who babysits Eirik in the afternoon told me her son was sick with a fever. As we really had no one else to watch him I decided that instead of having my husband cancel his lessons I would just leave work a little early to get home. It was a lighter day for me today thankfully. So instead of having to make a long trek to pick up my exhausted baby the plan was to spend the afternoon playing with him! Well, instead he took a 2 hour nap! He definitely needed the nap and I got some much needed down time as well. He woke up refreshed and happy just in time for some dinner. Even bedtime tonight didn't seem quite as bad. Sure it still took about 45 minutes but compared to the 2 hour marathon we've had some nights it wasn't so bad.

And now a few random pictures. Here is he standing holding on to the coffee table. He can't pull himself up yet but he wants to stand so badly. He LOVES to stand and hold on to things. Note my feet in the picture as I am sitting right behind him. While he loves standing he hasn't quite figured out that when he lets go he falls!



He also had a ton of fun playing with blocks! He is more interested in the container then the blocks most of the time though.



Of course my cat thinks its a great new toy for him!



Guess they'll have to learn how to share!

Sleep Log Night 2

Just to show you guys sometimes I DO get some sleep here is last nights sleep log!

6:30 - bath
6:45 - nurse
7:00 - sleep
7:30 - 7:35 - woke up, husband rocked him back to sleeo
8:25 - 8:30 - woke up, husband rocked hm back to sleep
9:40 - 9:45 - woke up, husband rocked hm back to sleep
10:40 - 10:45 - woke up, nursed
12:20 - 12:30 - woke up, nursed
3:30 - 3:50 - WIDE awake, long nursing sesson
6:50 - I can hear him awake... I THINK hes been awake for about 10 m inutes... so we'll say up for the day about 6:45.

Now I am 99% sure there was a wake up between 12:30 and 3:30... i just forgot to write it down... but I think it was somewhere around 2 he woke up. I THINK. So it was either 6 or 7 wake ups, most of which ocured in the first chunk of sleep.

I was off baby duty last night... i crawled into bed early and was passed out at 9. Of course when he cried I woke up, but since my husband put him back to sleep all I had to do was roll over. Still tired today, but MUCH more refreshed!

Sleep Log... Night 1...

So in preparation to make some gentle sleep changes (as the book says) we are supposed to log Eirik's sleep for 3 nights. This is so we get an idea of where we are now and so after trying some different methods to get him to sleep better we can evaluate where we are in about 2 weeks. So here ladies and gentleman is a typical day and night in our house...

6am - wake up
9:15 - 9:40 morning nap
12:15 - 2:20 - afternoon nap
5:10 - 5:40 - evening nap
6:20 - bath time
6:40 - 8:15 - Nurse, rock, cuddle, pat back, place in crib awake, wait 5 minutes till he starts fussing, go in, pat back, rock, gentle shushing, put in crib awake... repeat until he falls asleep.
9:50 - 10 - first wake up. nursed back to sleep
12:05 - 12:10 - second wake up, nursed back to sleep
1:05 - 1:10 - third wake up, nursed back to sleep
2:00 - 2:05 - fourth wake up, nursed back to sleep
2:45 - 2:50 - fifth wake up, nursed back to sleep
3:15 - 3:20 - sixth wake up, nursed back to sleep
4:20 - 4:30 - seventh wake up. nursed back to sleep
5:50 - 5:55 - eighth wake up, nursed back to sleep

he has possibly been awake since about 6:15 unless my husband got him back to sleep... not sure yet...

So, in other words, he is waking up 8 times a night and the longest stretch of sleep was 2 hours. I have to add here I went to bed after the 9:50 feeding.

So, there you have it! That's actually pretty typical... sometimes we probably do a few less... but i'd say that this has been his pattern for quite a while now. I have been trying other methods to get him back to sleep but nothing works... he gets absolutely hysterical if i don't nurse him. And I don't grab him the second he makes a noise... no, i give him a few moments to fall back asleep because sometimes I know he's just getting comfortable. No, these wake ups are actual "I'm really awake" wake ups. Two more days of logging sleep and then we make some changes. I'm really hoping something works soon because this sleep deprivation is really starting to wear on me!

Why I Chose Baby Led Solids!

So Lara asked an excellent question yesterday... why the heck am I doing baby led solids! While I talked about how cool it was I never talked about why I decided to do it!

Let me rewind a bit. As long as I have known I wanted to have kids I knew I would make babyfood. While I don't remember my mom making my baby food I do remember her making my brothers. I specifically remember I would love helping her feed him simply because he was such a picky eater I ended up getting most of his food! As a teenager I actually tried babyfood a few times and thought it tasted well... disgusting. I remember playing this game "guess the babyfood". Its kind of sad when you can't figure out what the food is!

Fast forward to a few months ago. I started to hear people talk about "baby led solids" or "baby led weaning" or something saying they were "just doing table food". I thought they were INSANE. I mean, giving your 6 month old a whole chunk of avocado?? Wouldn't they choke? How could they eat that without teeth?!

And then I consulted google. Ahh google... as a side tangent here did you notice how over time browsing the web has become simply to google? So many times i'll say to someone "oh, i'll google it". Anyway...  back on track here. First thing I discovered was baby led solids was not easy to track down... I had a hard time finding websites that were dedicated to it! But finally I did come across quite a few blogs people had done showing their kids eating food! I found these to be more informative then the websites that just contained basic information and Dos and Don'ts. I could actually see pictures and videos of these infants eating REAL table food!

The more I thought about it and the more I looked the more I realized "I want to try this!" It made sense to me. No special preparation of the food for starters... no boiling and steaming and mushing and purees. No special dinners for the baby. No, he would eat what we ate... or at least something from our plates. It also made sense to me that this way a baby self feeds and learns how to regulate how much they eat. When you have a puree and spoon feed your baby you are controlling how much they eat and what the eat. With this method the baby controls what they eat. The last thing that totally made sense was texture... most "first" foods are such a thin watery consistency which is NOTHING like real food. This gets babies used to eating real food... with texture!

I was sold! I have to say it is a little nerve wrecking to watch your infant shove an entire hunk of avocado in their mouth and then start gagging as a chunk goes a bit to far backwards. But this is NORMAL. Gagging is good and just means that their reflexes are working correctly. But at the same times its such a delight to see Eirik shove something in his mouth and go "this has a taste!" and then shove it back in again. It also makes dinners more interactive and fun. Instead of us trying to spoon feed him we are eating ourselves and watching him eat... or attempt to!

Just be prepared for a mess!

More Food Fun!

So, as promised, another food fun picture!



Sadly the photo with avocado all over his face didn't turn out! boo!! =( I'm sure i'll have tons of messy face photos before too long!

Today Eirik enjoyed oatmeal! I made myself a bowl and he insisted on having some too. He kept opening his mouth for me to put more in! My husband was laughing at us. This evening I made sweet potato fries and gave him a few. I think he enjoyed them! Of course he kept eying up my plate and wanting what I was eating... even though it was the exact same thing he had!

I also am trying to get him to use a straw cup instead of a sippy cup. He really doesn't seem at all interested in a sippy cup. To say it was a huge success would be an overstatement... but he did however drink a little water! I know because he made a face afterward as if to say "whats this!?"



My little man is growing up way too quickly!

A Day To Remember...

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

It is estimated that 15 - 20% of all pregnancies will end in a loss. This means that we all know someone who has been affected by this... even if we ourselves are not aware of it because that person may be suffering in silence.

Miscariage, stillbirth, and infant death are a very taboo topic today in society. It isn't usually until after one experiences one of these first hand that they hear others with a similar story. Every women has her own reason for not sharing her experiences... some find it to difficult to explain, some find themselves to grief stricken, and others may find that they are embarrassed... some probably don't talk about it because of the reactions and responses they receive.

Today I still grieve for the loss I suffered on March 18th, 2009. Today I will look at the photograph of that positive pregnancy test that still lingers on my hard drive and wonder just what that baby would have looked like. Would it have been a girl? Would she have blue eyes like me? Today I am hugging Eirik just a little tighter knowing what a miracle he truly is. Today I am reminded just how delicate and fragile life is.

Kitty!

Or something that sounds a lot like it. Yes, if I didn't know better I would SWEAR thats what Eirik says when he sees a cat. I know, hes to young to know what he's saying and understand... he says dadadadada all the time! But this one, kitty, is one he ONLY makes at the cats. I keep trying to reinforce things by saying "yes, thats the kitty cat" to him. It'll be interesting to see if his first real word is kitty or dada. My first word was meow so maybe it runs in the family!

In other Eirik news solids are going okay. We tried avacado. the first night he had no interest in it but he also had issues grasping it. The second night I left the skin on and he gnawed some avacado off the skin... last night was a similar event. The big issue however is we don't have a high chair so I am feeding him in his bumbo... and he HATES being in the bumbo with the tray attached. We are getting a high chair this weekend so I have a feeling solids will start going more smoothly then. I have great pictures of him with avacado over his face that need to be uploaded from the camera.

We're also working on a sippy cup. He still just wants to gnaw at the top part. What he does however LOVE is drinking from my glass! I'll hold it for him and let him lap at the water a bit. He does it and gets a HUGE grin on his face. Maybe we'll just skip the whole sippy cup thing and go straight to a straw and a regular cup!

I need a caffeine IV STAT!

Coffee... when I was younger I hated the taste of it... in college and my early 20s I only drank things like mochas where the flavoring added to the coffee made it so you could hardly taste the coffee at all! Slowly I began to drink plain old coffee but it was sporadic. Now? I get in to work and head to the lunch room to get myself a nice large mug of coffee... extra caffeine please!

Daytimes with Eirik are wonderful! Hes happy and so much fun! He has such a mellow go with the flow temperament... he's quite happy to just play with his feet! Even naps are pretty good now! Sometimes he'll fight them a bit but typically he goes down and stays down for about 1 - 2 hours. Nights however are a nightmare!

I stupidly and naively thought a few months ago I would be posting about how Eirik was sleeping through the night. He had started to do long stretches of 6 hours of sleep! PROGRESS! I saw myself sleeping again. Oh how the joke was on me. The hour long nighttime battles to get him to sleep followed by waking up every 2 hours or so... different strategies have been tried and none have worked. I have come to realize I am a human pacifier.

Yes, even though he has a pacifier at night nothing but me will do. I've relented and accepted that the best way to get him to fall asleep is for me to nurse him... even if this takes 30 minutes of me sitting switching from side to side. When he wakes at night I will try and give him the pacifier but no... he wants me.

I broke down this morning and purchased a copy of the no cry sleep solution... I just can't do cry it out. I know, some people swear by this method, but its to heartbreaking for me and I just can't let him cry like that.  I'll let you guys know how it works...

So until we figure out this sleeping thing keep the coffee coming!!!

International Babywearing Week!

I meant to post this earlier last week but... well... one thing after another happened and before I realized it the week was over! October 6th - 12th is International Babywearing Week! I personally think babywearing is AWESOME! Eirik loves it, and so do I! When Eirik was smaller I carried him around in a Mei Tai styled carrier and now hes bigger (and heavier!) I have been using my Ergo. They are both so compact and I can put them on just as quickly as one can put together a stroller! I find it a lot easier to wear him when I am out because I can move through isles and stores where sometimes a big stroller would get stuck! I also use it around the house if I need to do something and Eirik wants me to hold him. Its come in very useful at night when I have a grumpy and overtired baby!

Some Benefits Of Babywearing!

A lot of people were turned off on babywearing earlier this year due to the massive recall of bag slings. Like any other baby item, if not done correctly and safely could be dangerous! There are however MANY wonderful resources online! Babywearing International is a great resource! Here is a link to their safety page!

babywearing safety!

Interested in babywearing but not sure what you like or where to begin? Look online for a babywearing group! There are lots of meet up type groups that may even let you borrow carriers for short periods of time, just like a library! Also look for small businesses in the area that offer classes on babywearing. There is a woman locally to me in Baltimore who offers babywearing classes!

Not all babies like all types of carriers. Personally Eirik is very fond of upright and soft structured carriers like a mei tai and an ergo. I put him in a moby wrap a few times as an infant and he was not really happy. I also have a regular sling which I have used and again, not really happy. Thats why going out with your baby and trying different slings and carriers is such an awesome thing to do! So many people give up on wearing their baby because the baby hates the first type of carrier they try.

So, that is my little speech on babywearing. =) I LOVE it and so does my baby!

A Weekend of Firsts!

They say babies have weeks where all of a sudden things connect and they do EVERYTHING at once. This so far seems to have been one of those weeks!

I said Eirik had started going from sitting to stomach... well, now he does it all the time... and he goes back from stomach to sitting!! Its his version of crawling... he goes to his stomach, moves around, sits back up... repeat. I have a video clip of him doing it I have to upload. Then this evening when I put him in his crib while I got the bath stuff ready. I came back in to find him standing! Yes, he pulled himself up from sitting to standing! Yipes!! Time to lower the crib mattress!

We also started solids this weekend! We are doing baby led solids instead of the traditional path of puree. The big difference is you give them real table food right away instead of mushing everything up and spoon feeding them. If you want to find out more about baby led solids here are a few great websites and blogs!:

http://www.tribalbaby.org/babyLedEating.html
http://babyledweaning.blogware.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzzPTRUWMHI

Anywhoo... so yesterday I was eating oatmeal and Eirik was just eying it up. I shrugged and figured "What the heck, its just oatmeal!" so I put a little on my spoon and offered it to him. Wouldn't you know he opened his mouth wide and tried to get the spoon into his mouth! He gave me a look afterwards as if to say "this is what you people eat?!" but he still took a few more little tastes. Tonight however I gave him some brocoolli. Needless to say I think he got more on the table then in his mouth... but he was amused none the less. I don't think he actually ate much, but I know some got in there because he would make faces. Not a "eeww" face exactly more of a "this is new" face.



We also went and got some 6 month professional photos done today... but thats a long story so i'll save that update for tomorrow!

Baby Vs Cat... round 1!

Today we officially had round 1 of "baby vs cat". I think it was a draw. ;)



Caligula was begging for attention so he plonked himself down right in front of me... thus also putting him right in front of Eirik. Eirik wasted NO time in reaching forward and grabbing two large fistfuls of fur while I of course grabbed a photograph. I did however quickly remove Eirik's hands from the cat before he tugged too hard this causing said cat to get more feisty. He's pretty good about not using his claws or biting but he doesn't understand that Eirik doesn't understand no tugging on the fur... sooo..... yea. We are going to have to work on getting Eirik to understand gentle with the cats. Caligula almost got his tail chewed on as well, but I didn't have my camera ready for that moment. Eirik grabbed it and was trying to get it into his mouth. I of course was laughing at this... I don't think the cat found it very funny!

Thank You

I have to say, I was surprised by how many of you responded to my previous post with similar stories! It makes me sad that so many others have been tormented by bullies but also made me realize how many other people may have been bullied that I never knew about!

I just wanted to make a few little clarifications:

I did have a few close real life friends... but sadly we didn't go to school together in high school and in middle school we all got picked on together.

I don't exactly forgive all of the people who bullied me... some of them were worse than others. There are some who did things which I will never forgive no matter what.

Someone made a comment about parents... and that is an excellent point. I agree that parents do need to be actively involved in whatever the punishment is. I bet a lot of parents don't even realize what their kids are doing or just push it off as "kids being kids".

Later tonight we will be back to our regularly scheduled Eirik updates. =)

A Step Away From Babies...

Since this is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want I am going to take a step away from my normal routine of Eirik updates today. No thoughts on being a new mom or adorable pictures. Today I want to focus on a serious topic and one that is very near and dear to my heart.

The media recently has picked up quite a few stories about bullying... and most of these stories sadly end in tragedy. Young lives lost because of taunts and tormenting by fellow classmates and peers. These teens are now being put behind bars and charged with crimes that at best will leave them with a criminal record and at worst will send them to jail for an amount of time. The line seems to be drawn in the sand... many say "good! Those people need to be taught a lesson" while others go "They are kids! They were headed to ivy league colleges!". There is no middle ground in this debate, like many others. Of course the media is calling this an epidemic (The media LOVES this word) and that this new cyber bullying is making things worse for kids today.

I would like for a moment to tell you the story of a girl... a shy, quite girl who was socially awkward. She preferred to sit and read her book rather then talk. She wasn't thin and pretty like the other girls... she didn't wear the most popular clothing instead opting for jeans and tee shirts to hide her figure. No matter what she did it seemed nothing could help the zits that kept appearing on her face. Makeup? what was makeup? She never worse makeup. No... she was plain and ordinary and quiet. She grew up and lived in the same area and went to elementary, middle, and high school with the same group of kids. It started in elementary school when kids reached that age where clicks begin to form and someone becomes the cool group and another becomes the dorks and losers. Middle and High school weren't much better. New friends were impossible to make and her days were spent trying to keep out of the way. She tried to hide away. In high school she sat by herself at lunch every day, reading her book, counting down the minutes until she could head home again.

It wasn't just girls mean comments and looks... it was boys. Boys who chased her home with rocks and taunted her with names... boys who physically punched her by her locker at times just to see if she would cry. She never did... she never let them see her cry. But cry she did... she cried and cried and cried. Girls were never mean directly to her, they had other methods of making her feel bad about herself. What made matters worse was the schools were aware of issues with certain girls... and they did nothing. They had documented instances of rocks being thrown, words being said, hair being pulled... from elementary to middle school this was documented and nothing was done. The papers were filed away never to be seen again. And these people who tormented her so were not all "punks" who were cool.  No... it was the popular kids who took honors classes and had aspirations of a bright future.

The only thing that kept this girl going were friends who were all over the country. Yes, the internet became her one place that she could be herself and could become friends with people who wouldn't judge her because she didn't wear the right clothes or say the right things. These friends talked to her late into the night. She never let them know about how hard it was for her in school for when she talked to these people she could leave those worries behind her and pretend they didn't exist. Most of them probably never realized just how important they were to her. On some days they were the only thing that kept her going.

Yes... that was me.

As an adult some of those people from my high school days have actually tried to befriend me on facebook. If I've run in to people in the stores they have been friendly and very mature to me. To say they were just being teenagers sounds cliche... but its true. These people have matured into adults who now hopefully look back on the way they tormented people in high school and feel embarrassed. I can't get inside their heads and say this is how they feel... but I would hope that they would. I would never wish that these people would have criminal records today because of what they did to me. Did it hurt like hell? Yes... and it still does. The wounds of 12 years of being bullied and tormented and picked on does not disappear. But they were young and foolish then... and don't we all act stupid when we are young?

There have always been bullies and there always will be. Making a tough stand against them doesn't do anything if no one is aware of what is happening... and I can tell you now I told no one about the events that went on. I did not run to the principal after being punched by my locker or cry to my parents when I was chased home with rocks. No... I suffered in silence because I was to embarrassed of what may happen and to afraid of how much worse those bullies would become. I don't think that bullies today are any worse then they were when I was a teenager in middle and high school... they just have new methods for unleashing their torment. Yes, it does bring up new issues... but I don't feel that bullying is anymore an epidemic today then it was when I was in school. I think the difference is that today it is more visible thanks to facebook, twitter, and youtube. All of this technology makes it harder for bullies to hide... now when they torment someone the world can see.

As for what an appropriate punishment should be for bullies I am at a loss. But charging them with criminal charges is not it. After all, they are still kids.

Of all the things I miss...

I miss sleep the most. If I could pick one thing about my pre-mommy days that I honestly miss it would be sleep! I love Eirik and I wouldn't change a thing about our life... but after a really rough night I sit and remember how wonderful it was to sleep for 8 hours straight... Needless to say last night was a rough one... we were up every hour and a half or so alllllll night long thanks to teething and then for some reason at 4:30 Eirik decided it was playtime. Its a coffee morning! Ahhh the joys of motherhood!

Scars

Today I awoke to that tingling pain that I still get every few weeks. I looked down at the still bright red scar on my lower stomach and felt myself inwardly cringe. Would I forever get these periods of pain? When will the numbness completely go away? When will I be able to stop questioning what I did wrong even though I know I did nothing wrong? These thoughts and more quickly rolled through my mind as I got myself ready for work. I couldn't help but smile as walked in and out of the bedroom, looking at my husband and child fast asleep in bed together. I quietly snapped a few photographs, hoping neither of them would wake up. As soon as I put the camera down Eirik awoke with his usual happy morning smile which instantly melted my heart and made me push the thoughts from just moments before to the back of my mind. But as I kissed Eirik and my husband goodbye and sat in my car the thoughts pushed themselves to the front of my mind again. The one thing I thought over and over was "when will I be normal again?"

Physically I am my normal self... I have the same energy level as I did before. I can move and bend and do everything I could before and aside from the occasional burning twinges it is easy to forget. But then I look down and see that bright red scar and it comes back and the guilt comes back with it. Even though I know I did nothing wrong I still question myself... and the worst part of all is that nagging fear of doing it again. I want to be pregnant again and have more children... the thought of being pregnant and having another baby is one that excites me. The thought of going into labor again and the physical act of birth scares the living daylights out of me.

I tell myself that I have Eirik and that is what matters... he is healthy and happy. Eirik is a truly wonderful baby. He is mellow and relaxed and happy... he smiles all the time and even when he cries its not that full out scream that other babies do. I honestly couldn't ask for a happier child. I tell myself that next time will be different... that I know more now then I did before... that every pregnancy and birth is different. But telling myself these things doesn't seem to help alleviate the mental duress that I experience when I think about everything that happened.


I've discovered, that like infertility, this negative birth experience brings about comments that are supposed to help but simply hurt. I get told "but you have a healthy baby, that's what matters!" or "next time you can try for a natural birth again". While these comments are meant to be helpful all they do is make me feel more frustrated and then I begin to question my own feelings. Is it wrong for me to feel angry and upset over how my birth went? Shouldn't I just be happy that I have a healthy child?

Every day my scar gets a little lighter and I know that soon it will fade and become almost invisible but the emotional scars still linger. Sometimes its the scars we can't see that take the longest to heal.

On The Move

Well, I haven't really wanted to admit it to myself... but Eirik is on the move. He's not crawling in the traditional sense, but he can get himself across the room now quite easily AND can go from sitting to his stomach... which means if I sit him on the floor he can get himself to his stomach and again, across the room! He can however only scoot backwards which means he doesn't eye an up object and go to it... its more of an accidental movement and then "oo, look at that!" It also means I need to seriously babyproof the downstairs of my house! Oh the joys... its on my list of things to do next weekend.