A subtle reminder...

Warning: Miscarriage mentioned... just an FYI...

March was a tough month for me. It would kick off what would become a 5 month long spiral of depression that no one (besides my husband) knew about. Sure, people knew I was sad, but they didn't quite know why. Sure, i smiled and acted as best I could... but inside i was hurting. March 2nd was the day that everything changed. It was snowing... there was actually snow settled on the ground. My period had started a few days earlier, but it wasn't right. It was light, weird, and brown... and my basal body temperature was still high. I got in the shower that morning and decided to pee on a OPK. Why waste a pregnancy test when it would be negative? Anyway, the only one I had was digital. So i got in the shower, thought nothing of it, got out, and looked at the little test. there was a second line. Of course i quickly ripped open the digital and within seconds there was the wonderful word... Pregnant. I was petrified and exhilarated all at once. I ran in to wake up my husband, still fast asleep. Then of course I had to somehow make my way to work, remaining calm. I called my RE office, excited, thrilled. I was still spotting but the nurse assured me that was normal. I showed up the next morning for the first of what would become many betas. I anxiously waited all day for that call and when it came back I most defiantly was pregnant! I had to get a repeat beta draw a few days later. The wait was killing me. The spotting refused to relent... it came and went, sometimes light sometimes heavy. The second beta came back, but not quite as high as hoped. It was good, but not great... so they wanted a third. I tried to relax, tell myself everything was fine, that tons of people had 3 betas draw. The third was worse then the second... my numbers were no were near doubling.

I was crushed. I came home from work that night and sobbed. My husband tried to reassure me, telling me things could still be okay. I googled beta numbers and doubling times, finding scenario similar to my own. I clung to hope. Another week, another set of betas... still slowly rising. I prayed and hoped that I had a little fighter. They scheduled an ultrasound to see if they could see anything... and they saw nothing. Nothing at all.. yet my betas were still rising. They used the word no woman wants to hear: possible ectopic. Then I became nervous... every time I felt a twinge, was it an ectopic pregnancy rupturing? And all the while I had to force myself to show up to work every day, a smile on my face, letting no one know the pain I was suffering.

In a sense I was lucky, it was shortly after that news that I did indeed have a miscarriage. I almost passed out at work and went to the ER, petrified something was wrong. They informed me my betas had dropped dramatically. I cried. No one knew what to say or do. The nurse said "at least it was just a miscarriage" while the doctor refused eye contact. The only person who showed me compassion was the man who removed my IV line. No one else cared. I called my job and told my boss i wouldn't be back for 3 days... i couldn't pretend to be happy. I spent that week crying on and off, doing those things I hadn't done since getting that positive test. I went out and got drunk in hopes I would feel better... I didn't. I ate whatever I wanted, sat on the couch and watched sappy romantic movies, and avoided people in general. I canceled my birthday dinner get together with friends stating it was just too much hassle. I hid.

Until a week ago these thoughts were forgotten. I honestly have been so focused on my little guy kicking away inside of me that it has been easy to ignore the impending date... my old due date. I had managed to forget that right now I should be 9 months pregnant, almost ready to pop. I should be preparing for maternity leave, adding the final touches to the nursery, and worrying about labor. While I am thrilled to be pregnant now, and I couldn't love little Eirik any more, I sometimes have to sit and wonder "what if". Would it have been a boy... or a girl? And while I know I am lucky to get pregnant again so quickly after my loss... it still hurts.