Today is 7 weeks since Eirik was born. Physically I can say I am feeling so much better. I am not 100% by any means... i still get twinges of pain and moving at weird angles hurts. My energy level is no where near 100% yet, but I can get out and do things now without having to sit down to rest. I haven't actually attempted intense physical exercise, AKA the gym, but its on my list of things to do this week. But for now i've been quiet happy just walking and doing housework.
Emotionally however my healing is taking much longer. I didn't go in planning on having a c-section. From the day I found out I was pregnant I really wanted a natural birth experience. I knew however that things changed so I was prepared for it not to go as planned... but I still really held out hope I would get that experience I wanted. I got the complete opposite. The day after Eirik was born in fact my husband said something about next time and I told him don't say anything about a next time because right now I never want to do this again. Now, i'm sure that is a VERY typical reaction post birth however my reaction like that was because I feared another c-section.
I'm sure some people have great c-section recoveries and think its a piece of cake. Many people who have a scheduled c-section the first time never think twice about the second one. I'm sure the experience of a scheduled c-section is also a little different from the emergency one I had... you get to plan, read, and know what to expect before and after. You go in prepared for the c-section knowing that is what will happen. While I'm sure my recovery was normal it is anything but a piece of cake. Its painful and exhausting and frustrating. Maybe if I had been more mentally prepared for the outcome and knew what to expect afterwards I would have done better. I have always tried to keep this blog light and happy, but here I will admit that those first 2 weeks after Eirik was born were hell. Yes, I had moments of happiness and loving just holding and cuddling him but I also had moments of near hysterical bawling... bawling because he wouldn't latch on correctly, bawling because I couldn't do something as simple as go downstairs and make dinner, bawling because I was tired and exhausted and Eirik was fussing and wouldn't sleep. At one point it was so bad that I feared I was going down the path of postpartum depression. At my 2 week midwife checkup I sat in the exam room and cried after the midwife left... cried because it was so difficult going to the birthing center that I was supposed to give birth at. I cried for the loss of the birth I wanted so badly.
It did get better... and when my husband and I went out to dinner the other night I told him "I want to do this again". Just realizing that was a huge step in the recovery process for me. I want to do it again... not anytime soon of course, but eventually I want to go through pregnancy and birth again. Will it happen? I have no idea... Eirik took 18 months and a miscarriage to conceive and I was told by my RE that my ovarian reserve is on the decline. But, I am willing to try... and i want to try. I want to go through it all again knowing that there is a chance i'll end up with a repeat c-section. I still want to try.
My emotional healing still isn't perfect. I watched a movie the other night and the women had a vaginal birth and I felt angry and upset watching it. That was supposed to be my experience... I was supposed to get to hold my son right after he was born. I wasn't supposed to be laying on an operating table listening to him cry having no idea what he looked like or if he was okay. I was supposed to get more then a few short moments to hold him before he was taken away again while I was sewn back together.
The healing process continues...
Hi Emma,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a while (I'm an iVillage lurker) and felt like I should finally say hello. I have an 8 month old at home who also took a bit longer than expected to conceive. I just wanted to let you know that I had many of the same feelings those first two weeks that you had, even though I was lucky enough to have the natural birth experience I wanted.
I cried plenty everyday for those first two weeks (and I'm not a crier), I hated breastfeeding, I hated that he had so much trouble latching and that it took so much time. I couldn't imagine every having another baby again.
That's all changed completely now. It took probably 4 months before I really felt like I had things under control (or sort of anyway) and was comfortable going out with him and making plans in advance.
Although, I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through a c-section recovery, especially one you were not prepared for, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone :)
Alison
Emma, what you were/are feeling is TOTALLY normal & understandable. I admire you for getting to the point of "wanting to do this again" so quickly after desiring the completely opposite birth experience of what you got. I had those exact same feelings during the first 2 weeks as well but mine were for other reasons...colic being a BIG one. I'm proud of you for sharing your true feelings with us and I think it's awesome that another woman is willing to show the true colors of life instead of sugar coating it. You're a strong woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you had to endure Emma. I know from reading you on IV and through your blog that you wanted a natural birth experience. When I saw you had to have a Csection my heart just went out to you because I know it was the exact opposite of what you were hoping for.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open and honest with your experience. I don't know if you'll find this of any comfort, but you sharing your experience with your Csection has made me feel a little more prepared for what lays ahead for me in 11 weeks. So if anything, please know that I appreciate your candor and I hope that its comforting to know your experience can help others.
As the other posters have already said, I applaud you for being ready to move forward mentally with the thoughts of having another baby one day. (((Hugs)))
I'm happy to hear the healing is continuing. As others have said it's totally understandable that you would need to greive for the birthing experience you wanted but didn't get to have. It sounds like you are well on the road to recovery if you can already say you want to do it again =) {{{HUGS}}}
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