Natural Instinct

I always knew I wanted to have kids, there was never a doubt in my mind. The thought of having a baby and being a mother was something that made me smile happily. I did always have one doubt in the back of my mind: Would I know what to do with a baby? I pushed this thought off while trying and even in my early pregnancy, but as my due date got closer I became more and more anxious. I'm sure some of you remember my "What the heck was I thinking?!" posts.

I've never been around a lot of babies. My brother and I are about 2 1/2 years apart and he has no kids (nor the inclination to have any soon). I never was surrounded by young cousins because my family all lives in Europe. We had family friends, but all the kids were in my age range so again, no babies to interact with. As I grew older and graduated from college I only had one friend have a child. So, my entire infant experience was based on a few short encounters with my friends child. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about the whole having a baby thing.

In the hospital when they told me we could start pushing soon I had a meltdown. I started to bawl (hormones and lack of food and sleep were probably contributing factors). What if I was a bad mother? What if I didn't know what to do? Could I really do this?? Those months of anticipation were over and suddenly my baby would be here in a few short hours.

Of course the way things worked out with the c-section I didn't exactly get the initial bonding experience I hoped for, however when I saw him and he lay on me and looked at me I just felt this rush of gut instinct take over. It wasn't scary at all! Holding him just seemed to come naturally to me. I wasn't afraid of hurting him or holding him the wrong way... I picked him up without thinking and moved him around as if I'd been holding babies all my life. Diaper changes? Somehow that just seemed to come naturally too. I admit I don't think i've changed a single diaper in my life... yet when then time came I did it as if i'd done it a million times before. All those things I was so afraid of never came to pass.

My friend even commented on this when she came to visit me in the hospital. She said quite plainly to me that I seemed pretty comfortable and I realized, I was.