2009 - The Year of Heartache and Joy

So, with the end of the year quickly approaching (only 6 hours left in my time zone!) its time to do a quick recap of the year. This blog is very new... though most of the people who read this probably already know most of the info, i'm going to recap anyway. Since this blog is dedicated more towards infertility and pregnancy my year review will focus on that rather then going into the ups and downs of life and work (thats another story for another blog!).


The year started with a lot of excitement. After 6 months with no real health insurance I could finally get the RE consult I so desperately wanted. By Janurary my husband and I had been trying for a year. My cycles were all over the place and I was tired of being told "you're young, it takes time". As soon as that health insurance card came in the mail I called up the SGFC near my job and made the first appointment. The initial appointment was terrifying, but good. We scheduled tests to make sure all was okay and then after everything came back the plan was to do an IUI with clomid. I left feeling reassured that I would be pregnant soon!


First up was bloodwork and an ultrasound quickly followed by an HSG. My bloodwork revealed high FSH and my ultrasound showed a low antral follicle count... both indicators of egg reserve issues. My doctor was very optimistic that since I was young it shouldn't be a problem, but none the less I was a little crushed. We arranged to do my first IUI with clomid next cycle so I was all ready to call when my period started. 


Well, it started, but when I called there were insurance issues... they didn't have authorization. I could pay for the cycle up front with the potential for reimbursement later or wait. I decided to wait, but was frustrated. I was also frustrated because I couldn't really tell if my period had started fully or not. I was having weird spotting that never really made it seem like my normal first day. Oh a whim I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to see a positive result. I had hoped i'd get pregnant quickly, but I certainly wasn't expecting that!


So, I duitifully called the RE and went in for bloodwork. At first all looked okay but quickly it became obvious all was not well. My numbers would go up a bit, then almost double, then only go up a bit. It became a waiting game every few days... me waiting anxiously for the call with todays numbers. I went from positive miscarriage was inevitable to positive things would be okay. It was sheer hell and it lasted for 2 long torturous weeks. My first ultrasound showed nothing, at which point the word ectopic was used. Now on top of everything else I have the fear of an ectopic pregnancy. I am thankful that the pregnancy wasn't ectopic... a few short days after this ultrasound began the worst few months of my life. While i had accepted the fact a miscarriage was inevitable it crushed me. 


I spent all of March and April depressed. I was petrified to start trying again, yet I was more determined then ever. My husband and I had a vacation planned for early June so we decided to postpone any sort of fertility treatments until after we returned. My period of course decided to show up while we were on our vacation in June so that meant the earliest we would be starting would be July. While i was nervous, I was also excited. 


But. my period never showed. Instead I got that amazing positive result!



This time, everything looked perfect. At 6 weeks we saw the heartbeat and our little bean for the first time.





It was also at this point that my all day sickness set in with a vengeance. The joy of being pregnant quickly disapaeared. I was torn between obtaining what I had wanted for so long and feeling so horrible. I spent many a time on the bathroom floor crying because I couldn't throw up and I couldn't make the pain go away. To say it was rough is putting it mildly. My doctor prescribed me zofran, the lifesaver. Without that I would not have been functional (i was sleeping less than 3 hours periods at a time due to nausea). At my 11 week appointment we heard the heartbeat. It was then I finally started to accept that maybe this pregnancy was for real. Until that point I had been convinced something would be wrong. I finally broke down and told my family, all of whom were thrilled. 


Finally the second trimester hit and my nausea eased up... for the first time in weeks I felt like a normal person again. I had more energy and I could eat food again! I even had the beginnings of a bump... not that noticeable yet, but I knew it was there. I also made the decision to switch from a traditional OB/GYN to a midwife. While my OB was nice, I always felt rushed. I also really wanted a natural birth and knew that my best chance of having one was at the free standing birthing center near my house. I met with the midwives and went on a tour and felt 100% happy. I wasn't rushed, I didn't sit in a crowded waiting room for 25 minutes for my 5 minute appointment, I didn't have a nurse tsking over my weight. It was wonderful.


October came the most exciting point in my pregnancy so far, the ultrasound. I was a ball of nerves going in, but seeing our baby on the monitor was amazing. I was in awe the entire time... i could have spent hours sitting watching. My husband and I were both thrilled with the tech announced it was most definitely a boy. The entire pregnancy we had suspected girl, but we were both more then thrilled to be having a boy. The ultrasound was over too soon... at least he was cooperative and we got some great photos. 





As November began it became more and more obvious to all around me I was pregnant. While I had told my closer coworkers I didn't tell everyone. However more and more people began to ask me how I was feeling and when I was due. I am thankful that after the rough first few months things have been relatively uneventful and easy. Sure, its getting harder to get comfortable at night and I ache in new places, but being pregnant has been an amazing journey. The most amazing part by far is feeling this guy moving around. The novelty still hasn't worn off and every time I feel him moving I just want to sit and watch. Sometimes its uncomfortable, but I find it reassuring... his way of telling me that everything is okay.


And now, with the year coming to a close, i find myself in the home streach. Just a short 2 1/2 months and Eirik Lysander will be here. It still seems surreal to me at times that I really am pregnant... i have to sit and pinch myself and assure myself this isn't a dream. After all the heartache at the beginning of the year I am ending the year excited and optimistic. Its been a roller coaster of a year and while good things have come to pass, I am glad that it is over and I can move forward into 2010. Next year will bring more change and new challenges as I adjust to being a parent... bring it on. =)

Enjoying Doing Nothing

At the moment I am really enjoying the fact I have nothing to do. I mean, sure, there's work, but afterwards I come home and... nothing! The past year has been spent with classes and then pile all the Christmas prep on top and well, I've been slightly busy the past month. Its been a long time since I've had the chance to come home from work and not have to worry about anything! I know that come March this lovely freedom will disappear, so I am enjoying it while I can! Lots of goofing around online and playing of my new Wii.

Pregnancy wise I am feeling really good! Overall I can't really complain too much... things have been pretty easy and pretty uneventful! Yes, its a little harder to get comfortable at night and sometimes when the baby flips about I cringe, but I wouldn't sit and whine about how horrible everything is. I guess I have a different frame of mind considering how long it took me to get here and what I went through. I have the beginnings of stretch marks now... something I knew was coming but hoped would stay away. My stomach doesn't itch TOO much, but when it does it drives me crazy! I've been putting lotion on, which helps a lot. My next appointment is on Wednesday, where i'll find out if I gained a ton of weight with holiday food. Considering my appetite is almost gone and I've really not been indulging too much I am hoping that I haven't gained more then 2lbs... I guess we'll see. I also get the results from my glucose test. Fingers crossed I passed!

Now I am off to play the wii... i got rock band today(my game splurge!)... can you guess what I am going to be doing all weekend???

Merry Christmas!!

It never ceases to amaze me... you spend so much time preparing, planning, wrapping, cooking and then POOF its 9pm and the day is over! It seems like the older you get the quicker Christmas disappears! This Christmas was a little more relaxed then previous years, at least to me. I'm the one that has to cook so I should know. ;) 


First up, the tree, with gifts! Sorry the photo's a little blurry. 





I have to say, my gift this year was a total surprise to me! I gave my husband nothing to go on and about a week ago he said "I think i've really done it this year, you're gonna love your gift". I was a little nervous I have to admit! Imagine my shock and surprise this morning to find a Wii! Now, let me back up here a bit and explain my husband does not do video games at ALL. He is not a gamer by any stretch of the imagination and always thought I was silly for wanting a Wii. I keep saying how I want one but can't justify buying one at the moment with all the other baby stuff that needs to be done... but now I have one!! I am really excited too. Of course i didn't get too much time to play today (as I said above, I cooked!) but I did get a little classic mario as well as mario party played. I also have a star wars game which i'll have to investigate tomorrow. Most of my relatives over seas sent money, but my parents did send a gift for the baby! its little slippers that rattle. VERY cute!


My brother and father in law came over for dinner, which was nice. We ate and relaxed. I made Christmas Pudding (English tradition!) which caught on fire beautifully!





Afterwards we all opened christmas crackers and put on silly hats and read our jokes. I will refrain from posting the silly hat photos here in case my husband kills me.


The cats enjoyed their Christmas gifts! A new scratching post!





Later my brother decided to cover Sebastian in wrapping paper... silly cat....





I hope everyone else had a wonderful Christmas! I know I am looking forward to a weekend full of Wii playing. =)

Cloth Diapers!

So today I got my first cloth diapers!





I know they say to try diapers out before buying tons however these are being discontinued so I bought more just in case i fall in love with them and then can't find then anywhere else. The diapers are the bum genius bamboo fitted and then i bought 3 covers which are bummies super brite. Both were highly recommended by the women who I purchased the diapers from! I'll have to let you guys know how I actually like them after I start using them. =) I am going to wait till after my babyshower to purchase anymore diapers because I did set up a cloth diaper registry just in case someone wants to know where I am registered. My plan is to buy a few different kinds and brands and see what I like before making an investment. The best part of cloth diapering is the fact you can either swap or sell old ones or ones you don't like!


I've been spending my day doing christmas prep stuff. Cleaning the house, cooking christmas pudding, that sort of thing. I still haven't wrapped a single gift, which is odd for me because usually I am really far ahead! But, now I am off to make dinner, then wrapping. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas!

Knitting Projects!

I'll start with the pregnancy related stuff. I had my 29 week appointment today (technically i'll be 29 weeks tomorrow). The good news is everything looked great, the bad news is i managed to gain 8lbs in 3 weeks. ARG! I don't feel like I am eating that horribly but for some reason I just keep gaining. I am really going to start paying attention to what I am eating and how much of what I am eating again.. Its just so hard with the holidays and whatnot going on right now... but this is starting to get ridiculous. My total weight gain so far is just around 40lbs!! i've still got 2 1/2 months to go! They also drew blood for my glucose test, so hopefully that comes back normal... fingers crossed!


Now non baby related stuff! I love knitting but between work and school I haven't had much of a chance to do any. Well, with classes done I have decided to brush off my knitting needles! My 2 christmas projects were gifts for a friend of mine: A christmas tree ornament and a coffee sleeve! 








The ornament is a little jellyfish! My friend who I made this for loves fish... and while i know its not a fish fish, its the closest pattern I could find online. The coffee sleeve was also really really easy. the first pattern I tried was for knitting it in the round, which while it sounds easier it was NOT. I gave up on that after 3 failed attempts and instead did it on straight needles. The downside is the seam which I had to sew up, but the upside is that it was SUPER easy.


Up next for my knitting projects are a baby hat for my little guy to wear for easter (its got bunny ears!!) and a christmas stocking for next christmas for the baby! Yes, its early to start knitting a christmas stocking for next year HOWEVER when I did my husbands stocking it took me 3 months to complete... so I figure I had better get an early start!

Snow!

Some photos from todays massive snowstorm! Its been a long time since i've seen snow like this... and i'm loving it! However i'm sure tomorrow when I am attempting to dig my car out it'll be another story... These photos were taken about 3:30pm today and there is probably at least another 4 inches so far out there since. 








I spent my snow day indoors relaxing! I should have done more Christmas prep stuff (write those cards, wrap gifts, actually decorate the tree that has been sitting in my living room since Wednesday) but instead I had a lazy day. I watched netflix on demand and worked on a knitting project. Apparently knitting is just like riding a bike because even though I haven't knitted anything in about a year it all came back to me very quickly. I also remembered very quickly why I hate kitting with double pointed needles!

28 week photo!

Just in case anyone is interested, here is the 28 week photo! I think I look smaller this week, but I also think this guy shifted into a new position! 





I have my next midwife appointment on Tuesday! Fingers crossed I don't have another 10lb weight gain!! I also get to do my glucose test... fun fun fun!


I'm supposed to get anywhere from 10 - 20 inches of snow by Sunday morning! If the weather cooperates and we do get a ton of snow i'll post some photos. =)


Random Question: Why is it when the word snow is mentioned everyone must run to the store for eggs, milk, and toilet paper?? Seriously people, do you not have enough to last you for 2 days??

Holiday Party, Irrational Fears, and Pediatricians!

So last night was my company Christmas party. It was a cocktail hour at a nice restaurant, so instantly I wasn't too excited to be going. Whats the fun in going to a cocktail hour when you can't drink? But I scrounged through my closet, found something nice to wear, and went. For starters what I wore made me look HUGE. It doesn't help that everyone else I work with is tiny and here I am, the walking blob! A coworker to some photos and in each pictures its glaringly obvious I am very pregnant! I am thrilled to be pregnant, but I have always had weight issues and gaining weight is difficult for me. I was very overweight in high school and most of college and I was always so proud of how much weight I lost so gaining weight now is bringing back bad memories. But, I digress, I get to the party and take a quick scan of the food offerings. I had anticipated only hors d'oeuvre's so I ate dinner before I came, a wise move! The only things in sight were: smoked salmon, a seared tuna thing, and baked brie. Wonderful! 3 things I can't eat! I did have a good time however and ultimately some food did appear that I could enjoy: crab balls and egg rolls. I didn't stay too late as I was tired and there is really no fun in being the only sober person in the room!

Today after work I finally called the pediatrician to schedule an interview and was shocked to find that I couldn't get an appointment until Jan 27th! My midwife is going to kill me! I'm supposed to have a pediatrician consent form turned in by 34 weeks and Jan 27th is 34 weeks on the nose! I'm just going to have to explain to them thats the earliest appointment I could get. I had no clue it could take that long to get an appointment! So, to all my pregnant friends, call sooner rather then later!

I had the most bazaar dream last night. My pregnancy dreams are odd, but last nights just takes the cake. I left my husband because apparently he was doing hard drugs and cheating on me big time, but I didn't go home I moved in with a friend of mine, and I had the baby early but my baby was a kitten (well, at first it was a kitten then suddenly it was a girl with purple and blue hair...) and we had to sneak back into the place my husband was staying to get all the baby things because I didn't have anything. VERY odd.

Also, I am having irrational fears. IVillage is wonderful with message boards, however sometimes I think too much information and reading is a bad thing. In the past 2 weeks 2 women with due dates close to mine (one jan, one feb) have lost their baby's suddenly. They went to the hospital for decreased movement and then found no heartbeat. I've already been nervous about this because an old coworker of mine had that happen to her sister, but reading about two people in such a close span just makes my mind work overtime. I am really trying to relax and be less stressed about things, but now if I don't feel movement for a while I start to over analyze things. I sometimes think the internet can be more stress then its worth. You can google things and discover so many stories online that make you shudder. I know that the chances of something going wrong now are about 1%... i have a higher chance of getting in a serious car accident driving on 95 into work tomorrow... but it still freaks me out. As much as I am trying to enjoy every aspect of being pregnant and I wouldn't wish for things to go by any faster, sometimes I wish this little guy was here.

Now I am off to write Christmas cards. yes, i am a little behind this year... oh well! They'll get out by the weekend. =)

Braxton Hicks and No More School!

So I'm 99% sure i've started to get Braxton Hicks contractions. I could be wrong, but i've had a few episodes where i'm uncomfortable and then I notice my stomach is really hard. Its so weird! Normal, but totally strange. If I wait a few minutes and then feel my stomach again it feels totally different. It really freaks me out a bit that my body is already starting to prepare for labor!

I have been putting off the hunt for a pediatrician for a while now, but I really have to set up an appointment ASAP. The birthing center requires us to have a pediatrician chosen and a consent form signed by 34 weeks, which I realized is quickly approaching! I have a recommendation from an old coworker so tomorrow at work I am going to call and try and schedule an appointment. I know hes great with kids (he comes with glowing reviews from a few people I know!) but I need to make sure hes okay with an alternative vaccination schedule. While I am totally for vaccinations, I am not for all of the vaccinations they give kids so young! Just one example I can think of is Hepatitis B... i didn't get that vaccination till i was 15 and now its given to infants! Since this little guy isn't going into daycare I think he'll be okay if we do a modified schedule. Basically he'll get less vaccines at each visit and the space between the vaccines is a little more. I hope my husband and I both like this guy because I don't know anyone else in my area with small kids... i'd have to start a random hunt for a doctor!

My graduate classes are officially done for the semester! I took my last final this evening. I am taking the spring semester off so that means no more classes for me till June when I am taking a summer class! I'm hoping that I don't completely loose motivation during my little break. I really thought about doing the spring semester since all the classes are online, but I quickly realized that was a bad idea. Instead I decided it was better to just take the semester off and ease myself back into classes in June. I have 3 classes left to take: 1 summer, 2 fall semester and then i'll officially have my M.S. in Biotechnology. Scary! I'm really looking forward to relaxing after work again and on the weekends. Lots of knitting and reading will be done! I have to enjoy all this time I have now because I know in March i'm not going to have the same freedom!

Now I am off to bed because I slept horribly last night. Note to self: Drinking about 3 large glasses of water after 6pm is NOT a good idea and will result in a minimum of 5 bathroom trips during the night!

27 weeks!

Thats the 27 week photo! Not the best photo of me... but you can really see how big I am getting! One of the managers at work commented yesterday about how much I had suddenly popped! Of course this followed with the huge list of "how are you feeling" questions. I am SO tired of being asked how I am feeling! I mean, do they really want me to go "well, I have to pee every 2 hours or so and my back is killing me and my hips ache and parts of my body are swollen that shouldn't be, my boobs are leaking on a regular basis, i am exhausted all the time, i've recently developed some nice hemorrhoids, and my hormones make me feel like i want to cry"


So I shouldn't be allowed to watch anything sappy with baby's in... its just not good for me. I'm kind of half heartedly giving the new show Mercy a change. I miss ER and I wanted a medical drama to watch. I know I could watch Grays Anatomy but i am so far behind in it at this point I don't feel like getting myself involved. I decided i'd start with something new, fresh, and give it a change. The show is... okay. Its got its amusing moments and some of the patient stories are interesting... but i'm not 100% sure its going to last more than this season. Anyway, the last episode had a 19 year old women who gave birth to her baby. Originally she was going to put it up for adoption because the father was out of the picture and she had no idea what to do but then after seeing the baby she changed her mind and wanted to keep him. We can all see how this ends... girl realizes she can't take care of the baby and changes her mind. Anyway, the scene where the mother realizes she can't do it is when shes sitting in the car and the baby wakes up and she has NO clue what to do. And suddenly I went "THAT'LL BE ME! I'LL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!" Yes, I started to freak out. I sat there last night thinking "why did i want to have kids? I know nothing about kids! I have no experience with babies! This baby is going to cry and i'm going to freak out and not have any idea what to do!" Of course after a while the rational side of my brain kicked in... but still.. the closer my due date gets the more frequent those little freak out episodes become! I'm assuming this is totally normal first time mother stuff... at least I hope it is! I keep reading everywhere its a learning curve and you figure it out and its different when its your own kid... still, the thought of suddenly being home alone with an infant is a little terrifying!

Exhaustion and Exercise

I am only just barely in the 3T according to most of those little trimester calculators! According to some I was there Monday, others say today, and yet others say Friday! Its so confusing! I guess in the big scheme of things it doesn't make a difference what trimester you are in, you're still pregnant. ;) 27 weeks already... wow, where did the time go?? Things seemed to go so slowly in the first trimester and now I am entering the home stretch! Less than 90 days to go (in theory!). Physically I am pretty prepared... we have a cosleeper, a crib, carseat, breastpump, clothing, bedding... all the big essential gear. Mentally however I am beginning to freak out. I am guessing everyone hits a point where they go "I'm having a BABY". Well, I am at that point! Last night in bed I suddenly started having all those fears and doubts. I tried for so long for this and now i'm wondering if I am really ready for this. Of course I then feel weird because I am so worried... and its not normal worried either. Its weird things like "What if my husband and I get a divorce and my kid has to go through what I went through?" or "What if i die and miss most of his life?" or even worse still "What if hes deathly allergic to the cats and I have to give them away?". Yes, these are the thoughts that go through my mind!

It also seems that my utter exhaustion is returning. I am finding it harder and harder to stay awake at night. I think its a mixture of cold weather, getting dark early, and being pregnant. I've always gone to bed early in the winter... its dark and cold outside and bed is so warm. But now I get home at 5pm and feel like I could pass out! In fact its 7:30 now and I am already planning on getting into bed within 30 minutes. Thankfully I am still sleeping through the night pretty well. Most nights I only get up once to pee, however sometimes its been 2. The worst is weekends because I find myself getting up to pee at about 7:30 and then I am unable to get back to sleep so i'm up early almost every weekend. Thankfully I am also not too uncomfortable at night either. I added an extra pillow for back/butt support which has done WONDERS for my back pain. I'm slowly but surely forcing myself back to the gym. I went once last week and once this week so far. For me thats good! I tell myself that if I don't keep going now its going to be harder to get back after this guy is born. I also find I feel better on days after I exercise!

In non baby related news I am furiously baking Christmas cookies! I have 3 more kinds to do by Sunday night... not too bad. Its busy, but once they are done and in the freezer I can relax a bit! My classes are almost over, I have finals to take this weekend. Next week I can sit back, relax, watch Netflix DVDs, and knit! I am looking forward to it. =)

Another baby item purchased!

So the last big expensive item on my baby list was... the breast pump. I have been debating back and forth over the breast pump... do I buy it now or buy it after the baby is born? And then, what kind! I knew I had to get a good breast pump because this sucker is going to be used daily at work, so after researching I had settled on either the Medela pump in style or the freestyle. I really was drooling over the freestyle but the higher price tag had me on the fence. So today what do I see at the Babies R Us weekly flyer? 20% off the Medela Freestyle! That is an amazing deal on a breastpump that is NEVER on sale! And the best part is the coupon could be used online and had free shipping! So now my last big must have before the baby arrives baby item is purchased! WOW. Yes, there are other things I still need, but nothing with a price tag quite that high. =)

Today I am officially starting my christmas baking craziness! I have to have all my cookies finished by the 14th for my husband to deliver to his students, so that gives me a week. Not bad! I'm hoping to do 3 kinds today (maybe 4) so I can slowly finish the rest off after work next week and next Sunday. I also want to put the lights up today, but that requires my husband fishing the holiday boxes out of the basement. If I start harassing him now I should be able to get the lights up before it gets dark!

Yesterday we had our first official snowfall! Sadly it was barely enough to make the ground outside look white. For some reason my area gets less snow then about a half a mile away! It always happens that way. But, it looked pretty and made me feel all excited about winter and Christmas! I am almost ready for christmas... I have to go to the pet store and get the cats a scratching post and then I think I may be just about done!

In cat news Laia (The fluffy white cat) is mad at me. She gets chronic ear infections, so every few months I have to give her drops in her ears which she despises. I'd noticed her digging in her ears again and that they were looking a little nasty so yesterday morning I started the drops. Needless to say every time i walk in the room I get a death look. It doesn't help that the drops make her fur all greasy so she looks ridiculous! Poor cat!

Alright, off to do laundry and start baking. I am determined to have a productive day!

A moment to discuss TV

There are only a handful of current TV shows I watch right now. My TV gets absolutely no channels so I watch everything via Hulu. Hulu is the best thing ever!! Before all the major TV stations put their shows online I had to resort to youtube and other methods to keep up to date on my shows. My husband and I are not large TV watchers (in fact he doesn't watch at ALL, just DVDs) so we both agreed not to spend money on getting cable or anything like that. Needless to say if you turn our TV on right now all you're going to get is static because we didn't even upgrade with that whole digital switch thing!

But, I digress. This is about my current TV habits! Most of my old favorites are off the air, leaving me looking for new shows to fill the void. I have tried to get myself into more light shows with amusing plotlines that will make me laugh. Why? Because I get too caught up in drama shows and they tend to (in my opinion) start off reasonable and then go off the deep end. At least with comedy you expect the deep end. =)

With that said, here are my current TV shows: Glee, The Office, Fringe, Scrubs, and Ugly Betty. The office has been on for ages as we all know. I however only got into it about 2 seasons ago. While so far this season has been good, it is also a lot more serious. It still always makes me laugh out loud though! Ugly Betty has also been around a while. I started watching in the first season and really loved it. The second season was okay... and then things got kinda meh for a while and I almost quit watching but kept at it and this season has been better then ever! I am really impressed with the show so far. Scrubs I didn't expect to be back this year. Like everyone else I assumed it was over last year and was prepared for it to end. However, I must say I am pretty pleased with the way the show has continued! Its almost like a new show now. Its got the same scrubs humor and quality, but a completely different feel. I'm not sure in the long run how it will catch on, but i am amused.

Glee and Fringe are my two new shows this season. Yes, i know fringe started last season however I didn't start watching. I wanted to, but i told myself i'd be good and not get hooked on anything new. Well, over the summer my friend informed me that I HAD to watch fringe and i spent the summer catching up on the first season and I was hooked. I loved the x-files and I am a sci-fi dork with a science background... how could I not love fringe?? I'm worried however that because of its timeslot its not doing so well... it has a lot of competition on Thursday nights! I've got everything crossed that the show makes it for a renewal next season. Its starting off like the x-files did... lots of "stories of the week" episodes with just enough mythology storyline thrown in. And then of course there is Glee... my guilty pleasure! The show is a little out there and crazy, but I love it! I can't quite explain why, but from the first episode i was addicted! I watched the pilot at the beginning of the summer thinking it was a new summer show and was disappointed to find I had to wait until September to see another episode! Now I have just heard they are taking it off the air from December till April!! I am crushed!

So, those are my current thoughts on my current TV watching! Overall I am enjoying all my shows this season... some are more addicting then others and not every episode has been wonderful! I also have to say the Hulu desktop application has been a lifesaver! I subscribe to my favorite shows and then when I open the application it shows me what is new that I haven't seen before. Its simple and easy! Yay Hulu!

Nausea Returns...

I read about it in the books and I hoped and prayed it wouldn't happen to me... but of course it has. It was too good to be true... those 10 blissful weeks of feeling great! I could eat what I wanted, food tasted amazing again... yet now I am back to wanting only crackers and carbs... thats right, my nausea has returned! =(

At first I put my nausea down to holiday eating... I ate lots of foods that are not normally part of my diet! But alas, that is not the case. The odd part is that unlike before where eating made things better, now eating makes everything worse! Oh yes, i feel hungry all right... but about an hour or so after I eat I feel like I want to throw up. Its not bad enough yet for me to pull out the leftover Zofran I have in my medicine cabinet (though I have thought about it once or twice!) but it is enough to make me put the windows down in the car when I drive to work and has caused me to stop and do some deep breathing at work so I don't end up running to the bathroom.

In more positive news I got my camcorder today!! Of course I am dying to try it out on the cats, but they have been quite dull this evening. I'll have to get some catnip and a laser pointer tomorrow and see what fun things I can record. I have to make sure it works right so if it doesn't I can return it... ;) I was really amazed with how tiny and light it was!! I remember when I was a kid a family friend had a video camera and it was huge and weighed a ton! How far technology has advanced!!

I am now off to be a bad group member... my big end of the semester group project is due tomorrow and my group had originally decided to meet at 5:30 this evening for a final online chat session to make sure we were happy with the final power point. Well, I got online at 5:30 to discover everyone else had agreed to move the chat session to 10pm! That whole 3T exhaustion thing is starting to hit me and recently my bed time is more like 8:30pm... I can't imagine staying up till almost 11pm tonight and then getting up at 5:45am tomorrow for work! I mean, if I had to do it I would... but this group project is not worth forcing myself to feel miserable over! So, I am going to finish a few things and post a note with some comments on the final project and apologize that I can't make it at 10pm tonight to chat.

I'll leave you with the belly shot this week. Its a full photo... you can see my face! Apparently i've gained 10lbs since my 22 week checkup... and i can assure you that is not all going to my belly!

Thanksgiving Weight Gain

So I had my 26 week appointment today and it was as uneventful as ever! My husband and I talked and agreed there was no point in him coming to every appointment with me. I realized it was pretty pointless because he just sits there the entire time and then we leave! When it gets closer i'll probably have him come more, but right now everything is so dull and uneventful! I am up 10lbs since my last appointment... ACK!! The midwife wasn't concerned at all since thanksgiving just passed, but I am freaking out. I had really hoped to keep my total weight gain to about 40lbs (originally I wanted 30 but things change!). At my last appointment I was only up 3 so I thought "great! I can do this!". Now my total weight gain is 30lbs almost and i've still got 3 months to go! So much for keeping the weight gain down... i guess i just have to stop eating all the yummy food I want and focus on eating the healthier options! I also apparently now look pregnant because i've been stopped by quite a few people going "wow, you've poped!" That on top of a 10lb weight gain is just making me feel like a blob!!

Next hurdle is the glucose test right before christmas. Thankfully my midwife practice doesn't make you do the sugary drink with the fasting bloodwork. Nope, instead I get to drink 16oz of OJ and eat 1/2 a banana an hour before my appointment! WAHOO! I just have to remember to bring the OJ and the 1/2 a banana to work that day. =)

Speaking of Christmas, I am happy to annouce most of my Christmas shopping is done! I have to get something for my brother and some stocking stuffers, but pretty much the big gifts are done already! I even have all my stuff ready to mail to England, I just have to wrap and package! I even bought my own christmas present already on amazon! I decided this year for christmas I wanted a digital camcorder... nothing fancy and high end, but something to take videos of this little guy as my family is all so far away! So I got a great deal in their black friday sale on one that was recommended to me by my brother. I'm excited because i've never had a camcorder before, just a camera. I'm sure i'll be testing it out on the cats long before the baby arrives. ;)

Cats and Pregnant Women

There is a lot out there about animals responding to pregnant women differently. Sometimes they become more protective or more affectionate. At first I thought Caligula's new found affection was due to the colder weather, however I am starting to think it really is pregnancy related. Caligula has always enjoyed cuddling with me, but not to the point where he smothers me, and he has never been a big kneeder. For those who don't have cats, sometimes when a cat sits on you they kneed their paws into a blanket or into your lap... its a comfort thing from when they were kittens. Its never been Caligula's thing... however all of a sudden hes all over me at night. He has to cuddle up next to me or on top of me. There are many times when i awake in the middle of the night to roll over and realize I have a cat stuck to me! And he doesn't go away, he just gets comfortable again and goes back to sleep. And hes kneeding the blankets too... another odd thing. I'm putting it down to him responding to the pregnancy hormones. The other cats are acting normally... no changes in them. Sebastian still sits on my head every morning, laia ignores me unless she wants food, and hesiod freaks out the second I try and touch him. But, Caligula has always been my cat... so maybe it makes sense he is more sensitive to things. Hes always been the cuddly cat... even as a kitten he would ball himself up on me. There was many a morning I would roll over to hit the alarm clock and find a kitten underneath me. So, any other pregnant women with cats who are acting differently??

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving!! Since I was lazy last week, here is this weeks belly shot!





Nothing exciting pregnancy related to report! It seems like time is disappearing quickly and before I know it March will be here! I can hardly believe that it's thanksgiving already... Christmas is now less than a month away! The baby has managed to hit my bladder and cervix on a regular basis, almost always when I am driving in the car and unable to move in an attempt to get him to move! He also likes to be really quiet all day and freak me out. It seems like just when I sit and start going "when was the last time I felt him move?" he decides to start doing gymnastics in my uterus. I know i'm still at that stage where I shouldn't be too concerned about how often I feel movement as long as I am feeling movement... but it still freaks me out sometimes.


Since it is Thanksgiving I am going to spend a moment and be sentimental. Its my blog, so I can do what I like. ;) This year I am thankful for being pregnant. As much as sometimes there are aches, pains, and general uncomfortableness I would not trade this experience for anything in the world. As much as sometimes I want to cry and whine I realize how lucky I am to be pregnant. I know so many amazing women who are still struggling to be here, so many women who are so deserving. Compared to some of them my journey to becoming pregnant was a walk in the park. I didn't have to worry about needles, drugs, collecting sperm donations, rushing to daily ultrasound appointments, and dealing with fertility drugs. I was on that path, but became pregnant just before. I am NOT going to sit here and say "oh, see, it happened to me it will happen to you!" I consider myself lucky and the exception to the rule. Natural pregnancy can happen after long periods of trying... but I am never ever going to tell anyone suffering infertility that whole "it happened to me" speech. That speech hurts because its not true. Some women, no matter how hard they try, will never become pregnant. It breaks my heart because they are so deserving... they try so hard yet a 16 year old who doesn't even want to have a baby will get pregnant by accident.. Sorry, I am getting off on a tangent here... but, I am so lucky to be pregnant right now and I know that. I sit here daily and read blogs and posts from my friends who are still dealing with drugs, needles, timing, and all the other wonderful things that come with infertility. I root them on, even if its only in my head, wishing that I could wave a magic wand and give them what I know they want most of all. There is one thing I will never do, and that is complain about how horrible it is to be pregnant. I'm not saying its fun and feels wonderful, because honestly sometimes i feel like shit, but I will never sit here and say how horrible everything is and how I wish it was over already and complain on a daily basis about how horrible I feel about being pregnant. I don't know if this will ever happen again... who knows what my body will do in 2 years time when we start thinking about trying again. Will I get lucky again? Will my insurance cover fertility treatments? I'm going to savor every moment of this pregnancy, good and bad, and remind myself daily how amazing this journey to motherhood really is.

A non pregnancy related post...

My post today is non pregnancy related... today I am writing about my wonderful car. Please note the sarcasm! So my husband and I were talking the other night about our older car and how it really needs to get a good service done to it. Its getting up their in millage and we need it to last quite a while longer! Its not that old of a car, a 96, and its a Honda so it should last forever. So no sooner do we decide we are going to take it in and get it tuned up and cleaned up the check engine light comes on in my car! I think these cars must talk to each other because every time something goes wrong with one, the other follows quickly behind. Last time as I was driving to get one car from the mechanic the check engine light came on in the one i was driving! And its always at inconvenient times, like the holidays. Last Christmas my car decided to break too! I am now paranoid that tomorrow the other car will start having issues... sometimes I wish i lived somewhere with better public transportation!

Cloth Diapering Here I Come!

So this afternoon I spent an hour and a half learning all about cloth diapering and WOW... thats all I can say! I decided I wanted to cloth diaper a while ago not only because of the environmental reasons and the fact you don't have all those chemicals next to your baby's skin (if you read in to some people will say its a double edged swore. More laundry with cloth diapering so more water use, but less in landfills.) but because it saves you SO much money! I know you can do cheaper or more expensive cloth diapers, but you could buy all the cloth diapers you need easily for about 500 dollars... thats total till the child is potty trained. With disposable diapers you're looking at more like 800 dollars a year. Then there is the added fact that you can swap cloth diapers and buy them used! I know that may sound gross to lots of people, but they are washed and cleaned and i'm sure people aren't reselling disgusting diapers. I'm sure a lot are in great condition. Anyway, those are the reasons I was interested.

If you are in the Baltimore area and want to learn more about cloth diapering I highly recommend checking out Soft and Cozy Baby. Its run by a woman named Bayla and she does cloth diapering instructional demos in her home, which is where I went today. Before today I had read online about all the different kinds of diapers and it was completely overwhelming and confusing but after listening to her go over things and explain all the different kinds I feel so much more comfortable! She pulled out all the different kinds she had in stock and let us play with them, feel them, mess with them. She gave us her opinion on different kinds if diapers and why or why not she linked some brands better than others. I think the biggest take away thing was that every baby is different so buy a few different things and try them out and see what you like. Really, there are so many kinds, styles, and brands to choose from. It was so nice to touch and feel and play with them. I took tons of notes so i could remember which ones I liked better than others!

Of course the kinds if diapers range from simple to crazy and the price is variable too. You can get the prefold diapers (which are what everyone thinks of when they think cloth diaper!), fitted diapers, pocket diapers, and all in one diapers. The all in one are pretty much like a normal regular diaper except you wash it instead of toss it! You can even get diapers that are one size fit all so you don't have to buy more diapers as your baby grows! Of course the prefold diapers are the cheapest while the all in one are the most expensive. I'm really excited now to try out all the different kinds of diapers... only a few more months now!

No wonder they tasted so bad!

My current addiction when it comes to snack food is ranch flavored things. Because cool ranch doritoes are not the best thing to eat (despite what my taste buds tell me) I have been eating the quaker rice crisps instead. So tasty, yet much healthier. I usually go through a bag a week. Monday morning I opened a new bag to take some to work for lunch. I noticed they smelled a little weird, but put it down to packaging. Later that day at work I ate one and almost puked! It was DISGUSTING. I smelled another crisp and it smelled off so I threw the bag away and went to the vending machine instead. The rest of the week I kept meaning to throw the rest of the bag away at home, but I kept forgetting. You know what its like in the morning, brain on autopilot! So today I finally threw the bag away but before I did I decided to check the expiration date, just to see if they were expired or something. They were expired alright.. they expired July 2008!! Yes, July 2008!! Of course i can't find the receipt from the grocery store to return them and I think the customer service rep would laugh at me if I told them my story... so instead they go into the trash and from now on I am making sure to check expiration dates when I buy things! 

Allergic to pregnancy

There are so many things I always used to take for granted before being pregnant, and the fact I had absolutely no seasonal allergies was one of those things. I was one of those lucky people everyone hated because the pollen outside never really bothered me much. Sure, maybe i'd sneeze and extra time or two... but in the scheme of things it was never that bad. Well, ever since getting pregnant i've been sneezing up a storm and its getting worse! I must sneeze at least 10 times a day now and my nose is always tickly. At first I did think I was getting sick, but then I just realized nope... pregnancy symptom! Just another I can add to the list... =)

Baby's Room: Phase 1 Complete!

So long ago I talked about painting... which did indeed take place! I was going to post photos after the painting was done, but my husband hadn't cleaned all the painting supplies out of the room yet so I decided to wait. Then we got a crib at GREAT deal (gotta love 50% off clearance!) so I figured i'd wait until after I got the crib. So here it is... photos of the room painted and with a crib!





As you can see its not really a huge space... by the time we get a changing table in there its gonna be a tight squeeze! However hes a baby and isn't going to care if his room is huge or not. We debated back and forth over turning the upstairs computer room/guest room/my room (i call it my room because its where all my dorky sci fi books live as well as my computer) into the baby's room and then turning the smaller room into a dedicated guest room and moving my computer elsewhere... but as I just said... hes a baby and I don't think hes going to care how tiny his room is! We've opted for having closet organization instead of a dresser to save space. Ikea here i come!


To keep with my fantasy/forest theme i'm going to get some curtains (aka, convince my friend to make me some curtains) that have a woody/forest feel as well as buy darker green crib bedding. I have some nice pictures of little baby dragons I want to hang on the wall as well as a piece of artwork I want to purchase which again, is dragons. Also i'm in the process of hunting for a nice rug... it seems impossible to find a green rug with a forest feel at a reasonable price, so it may just be a darker green rug. And my most exciting purchase today is a Halloween costume! Next Halloween little Eirik will be a dragon. It was on the super reduced clearance rack for $2.50 and was to cute not to buy. And anyway, hes going to have a dragon themed nursery so its only appropriate he is a dragon for Halloween. Even my husband thought it was cute!


On a slightly more sobering note I read online today a message board post by someone who had gotten pregnant the exact same time I did in March... we were due date buddies. She had her baby and was posting a birth story. It hurt a bit to think that I should be holding my baby right now... Its very weird mixed emotions sometimes because I feel guilty thinking that, especially having this little guy kicking me day and night letting me know he's there. But sometimes, like this afternoon, I think "that should have been me". I threw myself into the nursery arrangement today because I needed the distraction and I needed to focus on the baby I have coming... i know thats probably not the best way to deal with my emotions but today its what I needed to do.

Hospital Tour!

So, as promised, an update with the hospital tour! As I said earlier, this is our backup plan in case of emergencies. I went in pretty pesimistic and came out feeling a lot more relaxed.

The tour was about 5 other couples, most looking much more pregnant than I was. We were of course given the usual talks about general hospital policies... how many visitors in a room, how long they can stay, who can visit, etc. It was all pretty dull. We then saw a birth room which was nicer then I imagined. Its pretty spaceous and privet. Of course they go over the protocol for labor and birth. If you aren't having drugs you can labor anywhere you want, but you have to actually physically give birth in the bed... that turned me off right there. However, there are positions you can use in a bed to give birth that are better then the standard one most doctors use, so I am going to have to investigate them just in case. Then they went over the whole what happens after birth deal. Again, I was still pretty turned off at this point as the women talked about how they give you a few moments before taking the baby away to make sure its okay and stabilize it before bringing it back. Then of course my husband had to ask the awkward question of "can they force you to have pitocin". The women actually redeemed herself after this part by saying how  you need to question everything that happens to you in a hospital and make sure you understand what is happening and why and know that you can say no to anything. As we moved on she stated again that the best thing you can do in labor is be your own advocate and know that even though you may get pressure from doctors you need to do whats best for you. I was quite impressed by that speech because usually people don't say things like that.

We then went on to see where the OR was in case of c-sections. They explained you can actually eat some food while in labor (soups, jello, soda, juice). We then saw the post partum room which was much much smaller, but still nice. No nursery so your baby is with you all the time. At this point my husband asked the second awkward question about social security numbers. Of course at this point the room is looking at us like we are crazy people... but thankfully the women didn't see it that way.

So, overall my opinion of the hospital is while I still think that if i do end up giving birth there I am going to have to fight for a natural birth I want, I feel better about the overall vibe in the hospital. The women who gave the tour was very good about stating over and over "make sure the nurses know what you want and that you do what you want". She said that they are willing to accommodate things, such as skin to skin contact right after birth. A big pro was that the woman said they are very focused on breastfeeding... in fact formula was only mentioned once and it was in passing. They encourage mothers to breastfeed within an hour of giving birth and have lactation consultants and nurses on staff to help.

On an amusing side note afterwards my husband was explaining to the tour guide how you don't need a social security number. She found it really fascinating and was asking all sorts of questions.

So, now I just keep everything crossed that I don't need to go back to the hospital.

23 weeks and some random pregnancy thoughts. =)

So here is my nice little bump photo for the week! As you can see, Caligula tried to get into the photo.





I compared it to the photo I took just 3 weeks ago and WOW... talk about a difference! I really do look pregnant compared to how I looked just 3 weeks ago! On the weight gain side i'm probably up about 20lbs at this point. I had hoped to be a little lower, but i'll take it. I did spend a good chunk of the 1T and early 2T eating 24/7 due to an appetite that was out of control!


Today I have my hospital tour. Its a formality because we don't really plan on using this hospital, we plan on using the birthing center 10 minutes away. But, as I told my husband, I want to take the tour and know the hospital policies and layout just in case. You never know what will happen!


And lastly, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to donate my cord blood. When you go to the doctors now days you are given massive amounts of information on privet cord banking. Basically (for those non pregnancy people) the cord blood contains stem cells which could be used later in the child's life if they have the need of a stem cell transplant. My husband and I talked about it and decided that we wanted to save this, but we weren't sure whether or not to publically donate it (like donating blood) or privet donate it and save it just for us. After doing a lot of research into cord blood banking I came to the conclusion that the best thing to do is public donation. Neither of us has a family history of the diseases that are listed as currently being treated with cord stem cells. Upon further research I discovered the chance of a person being able to use their own cord stem cells in treatment is actually pretty small due to many medical factors. However, if we donate publicly we can potentially save someones life who is out there looking for a match. Also, privet cord banking is CRAZY expensive and the more I read into it the more it seems like a really great money making scheme. How many parents are being convinced now to cord bank their blood "just in case". Chances are all this company has to do is preserve the blood and shove it in a freezer and forget about it because it will most likely never get used. I know its a very personal choice to make... but I really do feel that if I can help someone out using blood that would otherwise go in the trash I want to do that.


So, those are my random pregnancy thoughts! I will update with the hospital tour review later!

But he started it!

Last night my husband and I were in bed and I was commenting to him about how this little guy had decided the day before that my cervix and bladder were playgrounds and was jumping up and down on them. My husband laughed and I then said "so, I poked him". My husband looked at me and said "you poked him?" and i responded "YES! It hurt! I poked him so he would move to another position!" My husband then repeated the phrase "You poked the baby." Well, what was I supposed to do? He wouldn't move and it was really painful so I nudged him in a different direction! I then told my husband "he started it". Very mature of me... ;)

Last night I officially saw my stomach move. It was kind of creepy and surreal. He was kicking the heck out of me and I looked down and then suddenly saw my stomach move in a weird direction. Of course the second I told my husband he stopped doing it, go figure! I also hadn't realized just how far up that little guy could kick! It seems like just a few weeks ago the highest he could reach was my belly button and now hes getting all the way up near my ribcage! As long as he stops kicking my cervix... or else he gets poked again!

Somtimes ignorance is bliss...

I am always joking about how sometimes ignorance is bliss... sometimes I wish i didn't know half of what I knew. Of course in all seriousness I am glad I know things, but in the case of pregnancy sometimes I really do wish I could be a little ignorant... 

I wish I could be one of those women who goes "oops, i'm pregnant!" These women go around announcing their positive pregnancy test before the stick even has time to dry. They celebrate their good news and rush out, purchasing baby items left and right. They have no thought for the what ifs and the numerous outcomes. They don't spend every moment analyzing each twinge, pull, or tug coming from your uterus... wondering if that is normal or a sign that something is wrong. They don't examine each piece of toilet paper for signs of bleeding, spotting, or otherwise funny looking discharge. They don't go to each and every doctors appointment with their heart thumping in their chest hoping and praying that everything will look normal. They don't spend those moments when you don't feel as much movement worrying about the worst case scenario and thinking something must be horribly wrong. No, they don't worry about things like that. 

I really thought once I got pregnant I would relax.... okay, I thought maybe once I made it out of the first trimester I would relax. But no, my anxiety seems to be just as great today as it was when I first got that positive pregnancy test on June 30th. Every time I enter the doctors office I am petrified something will be wrong. Silly since I feel this little guy kicking moments before my appointment... yet I still get sick to my stomach. Every time I don't feel him kick for a few hours I swear something must be wrong, and then when he kicks me a lot i swear something must be wrong. Each growing pain, each cramp, each twinge... I sit there going "is this normal? What if something is wrong?" I know the anxiety isn't healthy for the baby, and i'm better then I was... but sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who just went through pregnancy oblivious and relaxed... 

Standing up for the cat!

So  non cat lovers tend to feel that cats aren't as good as dogs. I know that starts the whole "cats vs dogs" debate, but I can't help it! I love animals. My whole life I have had cats, so thats what I prefer, however I would love to get a dog someday. The place I live right now however just isn't very conducive to a dog. There isn't anywhere nice to walk a dog and I have a very tiny backyard. I don't really want a small dog, I want a larger breed dog which would require more exercise and space. So, before I start this mini rant I want to say that I do like dogs! Cats just always seem to get the short end of the stick.

I'm always hearing "cats aren't as affectionate as dogs". NOT true. My cats are very affectionate to me. They follow me around the house.  No matter what room in the house I am in, there is at least one cat... usually there are 3. At night when I get into bed at least one cat is always on the bed with me, sometimes sleeping physically on me. And its not just my cats, its cats in general. When i was a kid I slept with my bedroom door open specifically so that the cats would sleep on my bed. When I went to a friends house who had cats, I typically woke up with a cat cuddled up next to me or on top of me. So, cats are affectionate. Sure, they may not act exactly like dogs... but they show their affection in different ways. And no, my cats don't act like that just so i'll feed them. They have their "feed me" attitudes and their "I want to cuddle with you" attitudes.

What brings this up? I was reading one of my pregnancy books the other day and it discussed introducing pets to the new baby. There was a statement that said something along the lines of cats adapt better than dogs generally to babies because they are not as attached to humans. WHAT?? I put the book down I was so angry. Cats aren't as attached as dogs? Thats a pretty general blanket statement to make. I know my cats are pretty attached to me. I think cats just tend to show their territorial side differently than dogs. Where a dog will bark or growl a cat will pee on something. Its the same thing, different attitude. I know dogs pee on things too... i'm just using it as an example. I'm just tired of the whole "cats don't love you" thing. Yes, its amusing in jokes, but sometimes enough is enough!

Please do not touch...

So, at 22 weeks I finally look pregnant! Wahoo! 





Sometime over the past week i totally popped out. It seemed to really happen overnight too. And I know I really look pregnant because I had the first person ever touch my stomach! And I was totally unprepared for it so all the snappy comebacks in my head just disappeared.


So I was standing in the lunch room yesterday morning toasting a bagel and another women comes in. I know her, but I can never remember her name. Shes one of those hi in the hallway people, not someone i've ever had a real conversation with. She comes up to me, touches my stomach, and goes "i see something popping out here. Congratulations". I muttered a thank you quickly, totally unprepared and caught off guard. Afterwards I thought of all the things I should have said/done... but alas, too late. Why is it now i'm pregnant strange people feel they have a right to just touch my stomach?? Its still MY body! I mean, this woman and I have never had a conversation yet she feels its okay to come up to me and touch my stomach! I'm sure this will happen again so I must prepare myself with snappy comebacks for next time...

Caligula and the Boppy

A few weeks ago my friend gave me a boppy she had picked up for me via craigslist. Having no where to put the boppy I tossed it onto the loveseat that we really don't use much. For weeks the cats ignored it, but no longer. Caligula has decided it is his new favorite place to sleep. Who needs expensive cat beds??

The hardest part of being pregnant...

So overall pregnancy isn't exactly fun... but its not horrible and something i'm going to sit and complain about. Sure, my hormones are all over the place and every day a new and weird pregnancy side effect pops up, but in the long run its totally worth it. Did the nausea suck? Sure it did...  but I am so lucky and blessed to be pregnant right now that I really can't complain about that. Every time I feel myself getting that "oh I wish i didn't have to deal with this" feeling i remind myself how many people would trade places with me in a heartbeat and how so lucky I am and it really helps. But there is one thing I can say is hard for me... not being able to do things i used to be able to do.

I'm not talking about drinking alcohol or eating sushi or taking airborne when i'm getting a cold. I'm talking about going to the grocery store and grabbing a basket or rolling over in the middle of the night. I really am a pretty independent person... i like being able to do things myself. I am the person who goes to the grocery store and comes home and slings as many bags as possible over my arms so i can make it in one or two trips. Now every time i left a bag of groceries i go "is it to heavy?" I went to the store the other night and stupidly got a basket instead of a cart and half way round the store realized I wasn't going to make it. its really a gradual progression of things so you don't realize until you can't do things that you haven't been really doing it for a while. Its so hard for me to accept more help with things and to ask people to life things or move things for me.

A family friendly area...

So last night was Halloween. My husband and I had no plans because things kept changing constantly. One second he was playing a music gig, then he wasn't sure, then he wasn't... so we decided we'd just go out for dinner and relax instead of staying home. Why didn't I give out candy you ask? I tried one year, no one came. By the time we got home it was about 8:30 and my street looked desserted. No lights on, no pumpkins, no halloween ANYTHING. In fact if you walked down my street you'd never even know it was a holiday! And thats how most of the houses in my nearby area were too. There were some clumps where people really got into it, but no where really close to my house. It really made me sad, and reaffirmed my stance that by Spring 2011 I want to move.

I live in a city... not in the heart of it by any means, but its in the city limits... and while I don't live in the worst part of the city its not the greatest either. I don't fear for my life on a daily basis, but its not the kind of place I would really want to raise a family. I guess my standards are pretty high because of where I grew up and my childhood. I lived in a nice suburb area with lots of kids. There were playgrounds all over the place, trees, and creeks to play in. I spent most of my youth playing outdoors in the "woods" (to us they were scary woods!), riding my bikes, and climbing trees. The neighborhood was filled with kids of all ages.On my street there were 3 of us the exact same age, and most of my other friends were within a 10 minute walk. On Halloween the streets were filled with kids trick or treating and all the houses had pumpkins. At Christmas the neighbors exchanged Christmas cookies. We had block parties.

While I can't afford to live where I grew up, I would love to find a place with a similar vibe. An area with families with young children, a backyard where my child can play, near a park or two... I don't want to be where we are now... where my child can't go out the front door alone, where the backyard is so small that its hardly worth playing it. I know for the first year or so this little guy isn't going to care if he has a backyard or not, but once he can start running around I want him to have somewhere he can run! I want to take him out trick or treating at Halloween. I want a neighbor who would come help me if I needed it... not one who I never see and when I do mutters "hello" so quickly you'd think I had done something to him!

I've always wanted to move, but i've never felt the pressure I do now. Time to start fixing the house up I guess.

More photos of cats in baby things

I came home from work yesterday to find this...





Yes, he was FAST asleep when i got home but by the time i got the camera he of course was awake. Go figure! I have yet to catch them actually asleep.


In other news i've hit 21 weeks. It seems like everything went to slowly for the first 12 weeks, then the next 8 weeks flew by and now we're back to slow again! I can't seem to win. I must actually look pregnant now (or word is spreading around my tiny company) because i've had a few people ask me when i'm due. For your viewing pleasure here is this weeks bump photo.





I even have on my lovely cat PJ bottoms that i've had since i was oh... 16. They are insanely comfy and cute. A win in both categories!


I have also officially had my first hormone induced breakdown. It started over getting dressed the other morning and ended with me sobbing on the bed about how nothing fits. Not a pretty sight... my poor husband had no idea what to do with me. I had no idea what to do with me!


I am however reaching this annoying stage where my early maternity pants are getting too tight and my later maternity pants are still too loose. I got 2 pairs of below the belly pants to wear when my regular pants got too tight and up until now they have worked great. Well, the one nice pair I have for work has officially gotten too tight for comfort, but all my other pairs are full belly pants and my belly just isn't popping out quick enough for them! Looks like i'm going to have to pull out the bella band to keep them up, even though that is the most uncomfortable piece of clothing EVER. Its okay for a while but ultimately ends up rolling up in the back. Oh well!

A subtle reminder...

Warning: Miscarriage mentioned... just an FYI...

March was a tough month for me. It would kick off what would become a 5 month long spiral of depression that no one (besides my husband) knew about. Sure, people knew I was sad, but they didn't quite know why. Sure, i smiled and acted as best I could... but inside i was hurting. March 2nd was the day that everything changed. It was snowing... there was actually snow settled on the ground. My period had started a few days earlier, but it wasn't right. It was light, weird, and brown... and my basal body temperature was still high. I got in the shower that morning and decided to pee on a OPK. Why waste a pregnancy test when it would be negative? Anyway, the only one I had was digital. So i got in the shower, thought nothing of it, got out, and looked at the little test. there was a second line. Of course i quickly ripped open the digital and within seconds there was the wonderful word... Pregnant. I was petrified and exhilarated all at once. I ran in to wake up my husband, still fast asleep. Then of course I had to somehow make my way to work, remaining calm. I called my RE office, excited, thrilled. I was still spotting but the nurse assured me that was normal. I showed up the next morning for the first of what would become many betas. I anxiously waited all day for that call and when it came back I most defiantly was pregnant! I had to get a repeat beta draw a few days later. The wait was killing me. The spotting refused to relent... it came and went, sometimes light sometimes heavy. The second beta came back, but not quite as high as hoped. It was good, but not great... so they wanted a third. I tried to relax, tell myself everything was fine, that tons of people had 3 betas draw. The third was worse then the second... my numbers were no were near doubling.

I was crushed. I came home from work that night and sobbed. My husband tried to reassure me, telling me things could still be okay. I googled beta numbers and doubling times, finding scenario similar to my own. I clung to hope. Another week, another set of betas... still slowly rising. I prayed and hoped that I had a little fighter. They scheduled an ultrasound to see if they could see anything... and they saw nothing. Nothing at all.. yet my betas were still rising. They used the word no woman wants to hear: possible ectopic. Then I became nervous... every time I felt a twinge, was it an ectopic pregnancy rupturing? And all the while I had to force myself to show up to work every day, a smile on my face, letting no one know the pain I was suffering.

In a sense I was lucky, it was shortly after that news that I did indeed have a miscarriage. I almost passed out at work and went to the ER, petrified something was wrong. They informed me my betas had dropped dramatically. I cried. No one knew what to say or do. The nurse said "at least it was just a miscarriage" while the doctor refused eye contact. The only person who showed me compassion was the man who removed my IV line. No one else cared. I called my job and told my boss i wouldn't be back for 3 days... i couldn't pretend to be happy. I spent that week crying on and off, doing those things I hadn't done since getting that positive test. I went out and got drunk in hopes I would feel better... I didn't. I ate whatever I wanted, sat on the couch and watched sappy romantic movies, and avoided people in general. I canceled my birthday dinner get together with friends stating it was just too much hassle. I hid.

Until a week ago these thoughts were forgotten. I honestly have been so focused on my little guy kicking away inside of me that it has been easy to ignore the impending date... my old due date. I had managed to forget that right now I should be 9 months pregnant, almost ready to pop. I should be preparing for maternity leave, adding the final touches to the nursery, and worrying about labor. While I am thrilled to be pregnant now, and I couldn't love little Eirik any more, I sometimes have to sit and wonder "what if". Would it have been a boy... or a girl? And while I know I am lucky to get pregnant again so quickly after my loss... it still hurts.